So far, so good

My mood is fine. I seem to be doing real well, no depressions, no issues. Cool sailing.
This should be a busy, busy weekend. I have to finish Phase One of my graduation project this very weekend. And Phase Two has to be done in a couple of weeks. I believe I can do this. But I do have to write down what I have to do, because I have a tendency to wander and so a list will help me. I can do this. I can do this. I just have to plan accordingly.

Hey, where's everybody???

It seems everybody chose this weekend to get out of the country.

My mom and my sister left for the US to go see my sister Luann for three weeks. During that time, they plan to go to Lourdes (France) and dip my lil' sister in the (reputedly) medicinal waters.

Ivy's parents, brother Hughes, sister Ally and another sister, Steph, will be going to Mexico for the weekend.

So what this means is that it'll be just me and my granma. Quality time, at last!

Xanadu Weekend

Rossenthal's a cool guy. He was going to Xanadu to see Donny. He knew I wanted to come as well, so he waited for me. This is specially generous since it's a four hour drive and the trip gets kinda dangerous at night. But Ross's a great driver, he knows the road and we got there safely.

I believe I've mentioned Donny before. He's a former Design classmate. He has his own design studio in Xanadu. I had several reasons to go see him. For instance, I hadn't seen him in nine months. The last time I saw him was when Id dropped him off at the airport when he took off for Europe with his girl. The other reason for going to see him was that I needed his help with with Phase One of my graduation project, which is a Flash portfolio. (I promise to share it once it's finished.)

Donny and I have a special kind of friendship. After college, we have remained close even though we only see each other a couple of times a year.

Donny and I worked on my project for hours. Then he asked me for help on a project of his, which we worked on for ten hours straight. We started working on it around 10 PM and finished around 8 AM next day. When we finished, I didn't want to see even a tiny speck of HTML again.

Even though it was a labor-intensive weekend, we still managed to have a great time. I totally love Donny's family. They're very loving, funny and relaxed. I hope to go see them again really soon.

My precocious cousin

Cousin Paul never ceases to amaze me. Gone is the image of the wholesome, well-behaved young man I once believed him to be.

He drinks. Heavily.
He smokes pot. Heavily, too.
He's been sexually active since he was 15.

This last bit of information just floored me when he shared it with me last night. Damn it, I was totally unprepared for the mental image of a teenage Paul porking his 14-year-old girlfriend.

Yikes.

What's the use?

What's the use of doing anything?

That's a question I've asked myself lately.

The answer, however shifts from time to time, and is a clear indicator of the mood I'm in.

A few days ago, the answer would've been: 'None'.

But right now, I can say that doing stuff is a personal choice to change the world you live in. By writing, walking, breathing, you can influence others. How you use that influence is completely up to you!

The unbearable pain that is not having money

Since I have a new car now, I have to sell the old one. I was thinking about using the money to fund me a trip, get a new digital camera, and pay off credit card debt. But my mother's meddling has made me realize that I can't afford a trip, or a camera. Heck, I can't afford going out anymore. It's like being broke without being actually broke.

So I should just save the money I have and sit on it till I die, apparently.

Sounds like a plan.

A reversal

My granny just came into my room to ask me to tie up her shoes. She can't bend too well anymore, and she needed some help.

So as I was fastening up her straps, I thought about how many times she must've had to help me tie up my sneakers when I was a little kid.

It felt awesome.

Motherly concerns

The other day, I was talking to my mom. She thinks I should save up some money, set up a retirement fund, etc. She is thinking about my future, but it feels like she is just trying to run my life.

I can't blame her for wanting me to succeed. After all, I'm her son, and (most) parents want their children to be happy. And what could be more joyous than financial security?

Of course, it's not difficult to envision ulterior motives to her actions. Think about it: if I'm broke, how will I ever take care of her when she's an old lady? And, if I am a broke loser, no woman will ever want to hook up with me. And if no woman hooks up with me, she'll never have any grandchildren. And she really, really wants some grandkids.

You better sit down for that last one, Mom... it seems it's gonna take a while.

You Tube

Ever since I stumbled upon YouTube a while back, I've been coming back ever since. They seem to have everything in there! If it moves, people upload it. I've been checking out a couple of videoblogs by girls: lonelygirl15 and LUCYinLA. They're both very entertaining. And they're both being accused of being totally fake.

Several of the internet's brightest minds have concluded that, some giant entertainment conglomerate is behind these vlogs and they're just some crafty way to sell us stuff. They back these allegations with some 'truths' they've come up with.

Bull! I mean, look at the source. Some anonymous internet user, who's probably a zit faced 15-year-old writing from his parents' basement? Please.

And anyway, what if they were made up? I mean, I don't care. They're really fun to watch!

I got a new car. Yey

The car was totally free. It was given to me as a gift.

Normally I would be excited about this sort of thing... but (and believe me, this is a major BUT)

IT'S IVY'S CAR.

Her parents couldn't bear the idea of selling it. They insisted on giving it to me. Believe it or not, I was against it for many reasons, the main one being that it was my late fiancee's car. But they were relentless. And so, here I am, with a brand new car. And it makes me so sad, you wouldn't believe.

It's like having Ivy here, in my driveway.

It's so horrible. Not the car (it's kinda nice, actually), but the load of emotional baggage it bears in tow.

I drove that auto several times. She didn't like to drive when we were together, so I had to take the wheel even when we took her car.

Oh... God... the memories... the pain... it's EVERYWHERE.

(sigh)

Afterthought

And just HOW am I supposed to have a social life now? Driving another girl in that car is gonna be awkward, to say the very least. I'm gonna be single forever.

I saw a girl today

I was at the local TGI Friday's, waiting for a few friends to show up, and then I noticed this beautiful girl sitting nearby. She looked oddly familiar. Had I seen her before? Only after a hours of wracking my brains did I realize why she was so eerily familiar.

She looked EXACTLY like Caitlin Wachs, from ABC's Commander in Chief.
I mean, they could've been twins.



I am in love.

Very disturbing dream

My sister in law, Ally had put on gold caps on a few teeth. I asked her about it, and her eyes got wet. She kept saying stuff like 'they like they like the dog better'. The funny thing is as she was saying that, she got inside some boxes and she did seem like a puppy in a pound. It was a very intimate moment, where she opened her heart to me. A moment like we would never live in real life, of course.

Weird nonetheless.

Fooling myself

Some folks were rattled by my very drastic resolve. It's understandable: not every day does a guy come out saying he's giving up on relationships and kids for good. Unless he's about to become a priest.

Well, you guys shouldn't have bothered. Why? Because I'm full of crap.

I DO want to have a woman in my life and have kids. I daydream about having a little Kz sitting in my lap, while a loving Mrs. Kzanderall and I exchange glances and air kisses before she continues reading her favorite book.

Then, why did I come up with such a statement? Well, the resolve was created in the midst of one of the darkest depressions I've experienced in recent history. My insecurity melded with angst and self loathing.

The truth is that I am scared crapless.

I am (almost) 30 years old. In my mind, I could very well be 50. Old maid. But wait: that's not all! I also happen to have a VERY lackluster physique. I still haven't gotten my college degree. I don't have a promising career, or a an outstanding income.

With such glorious attributes, I am afraid, REALLY afraid that no woman will ever want me and I will die all alone.

So that's where my resolve came in, to turn things around. Instead of women casting me aside, I was rejecting them. Instead of realizing my DNA is unwanted, it was me choosing not to grant others the opportunity to make babies with it.

Oh, well. Back to the real world.

Finding a crowd

Nowdays, most of my friends are either getting married, having kids or a combination of the two. Of course, I'm thoroughly glad for them, but what this means for me is that it's becoming harder and harder to find somebody to hang out with.

It's not as if I am running away from my married friends, but they have a way to make a single guy like me feel banal. While I talk about going to the movies, and hanging out, they are talking about house payments and child care.

I tried hanging out with younger folk, like my cousin Paul and my niece Lannie. At the beginning, I felt younger, revitalized. But in the end, the 10 year gap proved to be way too deep. I felt... ancient. At 30, I just lack that feeling of wonder and excitement you have when you are 20 and the world is just ripe with infinite possibilities. Life is just simpler when you are young. It's not that the world becomes more complex as you grow up. You realize it bit by bit.

Too young to hang out with folks my age, and too old to hang with younger people. What a dillemma, huh?

Luckily, I still know a few folks my age who are still single and willing to par-tay.
So I'm still OK.

At least until they get married too.

Thanks, guys

You know who you are.
Thank you for your support.

A resolve

I went to see Ivy today. As I was there, I started thinking, about life, about love. And then I realized that I need to stop thinking about getting a relationship again. In fact, I have vowed to stay single for the rest of my life.

I will never ask another woman to marry me. I don't deserve beautiful things like marriage. I don't have the qualities to be a good husband: I lack the inner strength, I lack the resolve, I don't have wisdom. I am nothing but a moronic, good-for-nothing jerk. And scum like me doesn't have the right to a wife.

No dating, either. From now on, I will only have friends. I will be nice, I will behave, and I will do whatever is in my power to help my fellow man. But I won't ever attempt to have any sort of relationship with a girl ever again.

And of course, no kids. Yesterday, I was at my friend Jujo's place the other day. I watched as tiny, precious human being got his diapers changed. Then I got to see him being fed. He was so delicate! They wanted me to hold him, but I totally refused. I'm too clumsy to ever hold a baby!!

But Jujo was a pro. He was a total dad: commited, helpful, caring.

That's when I realized I will never be a good dad. Such a responsibility! I mean, getting a baby is not like getting a dog, or like buying an iPod. It's a human being! It's not only about keeping him fed and happy. It's about putting some values into the kid, making him a good person, a solid citizen.

I can't do that. I don't have the patience. I am messy and disorganized. I can't be in charge of a baby! Plus, it's not as if I have some legacy to instill on a kid.

In short, I will not date, will not marry, and will not procreate.
I think the world should thank me.

Eight months

I still miss you, Ivy.

If you loathe KZ, raise your hand!

Many folks may not enjoy my company, but NOBODY can hate me more than I do. When I'm in such a state of mind, it's very hard for me to think up something positive to say about myself. I hate my tastes, my actions, the way I do things. I hate not being able to do so much... and what I CAN do, I despise.

Some poor folks have encountered me when I'm in this awful state. They've done their darnedest to get me to feel better about myself. But they just cannot. It's like being in a long dark tunnel. Only there's no light at either end. Eventually, I move out of it. Something happens that distracts me long enough to stop thinking about myself.

Right now, I'm waiting for such an event to happen.

You guessed it, I'm self-loathing right now.

What triggered it??

If I had to choose, I'd say it was seeing my cousin.

Paul has all the stuff I wish I did: good looks, self-confidence, lots of friends, money, youth. Next to him, I feel like a burned-out husk of a man.

I'm ten years older than he is. Am I in a better place than he is? No.
In several aspects, I'm way worse. Sure, sure... I've got experience. Supposedly. But do I really??

And as if all of that wasn't enough

I went out to the best part of town to do some errands. I deeply regret doing that. Every time I go there, I see nothing but young, wealthy people with incredible looks. And I feel even more inadecuate than I usually do.

In short...

These are some of the moments when life is really not worth living.

Cerati & me

At a later time, I will write about my infatuation with Gustavo Cerati's music. For now, this will be a placeholder.

Jujo is a dad

My friend Jujo and his wife Sandra became parents today.
The kid weighed 8.4 pounds.
Congrats!!

My sister got operated

My sister Abby ended her rounds of pre-op chemo and got operated. Hopefully, everything was removed at last and she will lead a normal life... after the final post-op chemo is over.

Guilty pleasures

I went to see Superman Returns today. And I am guilty as hell about it. Why? Because I was supposed to go see it with my sister Abby.

It's not as if I didn't try. We were supposed to go last weekend. Then Saturday. We ended up going today... but it was totally sold out.

So we didn't see it.

Later today, I found myself at the local mall... and I noticed that Superman Returns was about to start in two minutes!! I made some very cold calculations.

My sister's surgery is gonna happen this week. She is not likely to be able to go see Superman onscreen for a while. So it was either now or wait a month for her to heal.

The movie experience, therefore, was sprinkled with guilt.

I am fat

This will come as a surprise to very few: I'm overweight.

And dammit, I hate it.

My clothes don't fit, I have difficulty moving as I used to. And of course, there's the health and aesthetic issues.

Why am I fat? Cause I overeat.
Why do I overeat? That's more complex to explain. I would say that it's a mix of little self-control, lots of self-hatred, and a bit of angst.

Being fat would be no problem if I were taller, if I were loaded with cash or if I was a powerful or famous man. But no dice.

This will offend some people, but being fat is not a bonus.

I spend hours staring at my deformed body. I look at the bulge in my abdomen and realize that I am staring my destruction in the face. Being fat will kill me. Even if I manage to shed all the excess weight off, it's very likely that there's heavy damage to my digestive, nervous and circulatory systems. Still, I have to do it, even if only to fit into my old jeans again.

Denial is a horrible thing. I kept thinking that I could eat all I wanted for as long as I wanted and people wouldn't care how I look. But they do. Not only am I no longer pleasing to look at, but I am starting to repulse folks. That is not a good thing.

I wasn't all that skinny to begin with. But at least I wasn't as chubby as I am now. I haven't seen any cheekbones in years. They are covered in layers of fatty tissue, just like the rest of my body.

This must end. Now.

The road begins

The road to betterness begins now.
Exhausting as crap, lemme tell you.

Sad moments

The gloom returned with a vengeance. Let me count the ways...

Seven months

Every 29th of the month, Ivy's passing is pushed 30 days further into the past. In days like these, I really feel like talking about her, and be able to reminisce how she touched our souls with her love.

But who can I talk to?

Most of her family seems to be bent on trying to bury the pain by not mentioning her at all. I understand them, and I just don't feel like showing up at their doorstep ready to reopen the wound. The only one who is always willing to talk about Ivy is her mom. But today she was on her way to a party, and I didn't want to spoil her evening talking about her dead daughter.

So better luck next time.

Goodbye, Wario

I said goodbye to my friend Wario today. He's leaving for a six-month stay at the States with his mom. Then he wants to go to Europe for another three months. So he won't be coming back till March '07.

If he comes back.

You see, a while back Wario started to find Kzanderallian society archaic and restricting. His travels all over South America deepened that internal chasm even more. He longs for women who are more open-minded and modern. I'll be the first to admit that finding that kind of woman here is very rare.

Soon he'll be gone. I miss him already.

Buaahh!

While Wario and I had our last cup of coffee (ever?), we had a long conversation. He shared his uncertainty about the future. He worries that he sees nothing ahead. I told him about my daydream of staring into darkness.

Then, it happened.

Maybe it was everything. My sorrow for Ivy's absence. My sadness regarding the fact that a good friend was going away. Or maybe it was my gloomy assesment of my future. The thing is that tears started filling up my eyes. I clumsily looked for a napking to sop up my eyes, but the flow wasn't stopping.

Poor Wario wasn't expecting this. He knows I'm a sentimental dude who's prone to tearing up, but this caught him off guard. It must be so uncomfortable to sit at a table with a 29-year-old guy who talks to you while he's holding a napkin to his eyes in a vain effort to hide the fact that tears are all over the place.

Oh, the memories he'll take with him...

I'm okay now

Amazingly, I'm fine again. It seems that writing about this has helped me to calm down. And suddenly, I don't feel so crappy anymore. A bit sad, still. But the worst is definitely over. For now, at least.

Where do I see myself in five years?

I was reading an article in a magazine and this question came up. I asked it to myself, and at first, I came up totally blank. No clue. But then, a few notions started creeping in. I'd like to be married, have kids.

At this point, however, reality sweeped in and took everything away with just one blow: and just HOW am I going to be able to afford marriage and kids? With my puny, dead-end jobs? No way.

The way I see it, I have to start earning 50% extra a month, soon. But just how the heck am I going to do that?

Cousin envy

It's official. I envy the guy.
I can't help it.

But really: how can I not?

Paul's an only child. And my uncle's hard work has made them pretty wealthy. So he's had everything he ever wanted all his life. Cool car, cool clothes. Travel. You'd think that kind of thing would've made him a jerk, but no. He's a nice and cool guy too!! And he has tons of friends!! He is also a drummer in his own band. He just started his own advertising production company. And he's not even 21.

Plus, he's handsome. (I mean, a guy can tell. We just don't like to admit it.) Not gorgeously handsome, but very nice-looking.

The ladies? They flock to him.

Geez, if I was a woman and he wasn't my cousin, I'd be all over him too.

The darkness cometh

I have had this daydream for some time.

There was a seaside resort when I was a kid, called Leekin's. It had suites that faced the ocean. Around 8 PM, you could go out on the balcony and everything outside would be pitch black. So black indeed, that you couldn't see the ocean, just hear the waves crashing down below. Cold seabreeze would blow against your face, making you feel like you were about to be taken away by the omnipotent obscurity ahead.

In my daydream, I'm back at that balcony. I am leaning upon the railing. I gaze at the darkness in front of me. I know there's something in front of me, something huge, but I can't see it at all.

Just like it did when I was a kid, the experience is both frightening and exciting at the very same time.

My future is just as dark, powerful and mysterious. Where will it take me? I have no idea. All I know is that it's out there, and it's coming for me, whether I'm ready or not.

Busy day

What a day. I'll try to break it down in a way that it is narrated in a way that doesn't lose any zest.

My granny's bday, redux

Today was my granny's birthday party. It was a cozy affair, only seven people at my mom's. We had some very tasty sandwiches. I contributed with some party decorations: a handmade banner, and some colorful balloons. Looked very darn nice if I say so myself.

Just like any other Saturday

I once again attended my cousin's band weekend concert. It's becoming kinda boring. Same songs over and over, at ear-splitting decibels. I am striving to continue, 'cause I'm the only family member that regularly attends his gigs. And being a musician is pretty rough. I feel support is badly needed, so I'm just doing my part.

While in the midst of being totally deafened...

I got a call from Joey. He was returning one of my calls. He agreed to meet me at the bar where my cuz plays. We went nearby to down a few beers and talk a bit.

We had one of those really long talks that enrichen a person's life. We talked about my loss, and how I'm handling it. I put a lot of effort not to victimize myself, and tried to maintain a positive spin on the whole deal. Talking about my deceased girlfriend can be really depressing. But not today. I would even go as far as to say that it was also very liberating. I was able to look at my life and realize that I can go on. I have to.

Gentlemen, hide your girlfriends!

I got together with a few friends to watch one of the World Cup matches at a bar. We sat near one of the big-screen TV's they've got, we downed a few brewskies (beers) and had a good time. But then, my friend Fonz showed up with his girlfriend Jaq in tow. Whoa. The girl is a stunner: Blonde, great figure, very attractive. And she's very nice, to boot.

There was a moment when Fonz was talking to a friend of his and so Jaq and I started chatting amongst ourselves. She's a lawyer, and we ended up talking about conflict mediation, which she is very passionate about. Then started tapping me in the arm as she was talking.

I wasn't the only one to notice this. The Fonz did too. He came over and embraced Jaq, positioning himself between her and me. After a few minutes, he casually took her away from me to the other side of the table.

On the ride home, I kept thinking about those very events and concluded that Fonz had viewed me as a threat to his relationship and decided to take immediate action.

Honestly, I was totally flattered.

The good buzz lives on

Can you believe it? No traces of depression so far!! Of course I've gotten sad and stuff, but it's a temporary thing, lasting mere minutes each time. I keep looking at the lighter side of things.

Happy Fathers Day!

For everyone who is a father or has had a father.

CONGRATS!!

Paul, you never seem to amaze me

Well, it's the weekend again, and so Paul called a few friends for drinks at his place. It was kinda fun: met new people, drank a little, fell backwards from my chair... good times.

But then, I saw Sully -Rod's girlfriend- talking about Jenny again. They seem very interested in 'liberating' her from her evil boyfriend. And they want Paul to be her knight in shining armor, riding in to the rescue.

I am still unsure about that, and I still have to tell him what I think about the whole deal.

The bombshell

Listening to my cousin talking about getting another piercing was kinda surreal, but that was NOTHING compared to when he took me aside and told me he's doing MJ. For those totally detached from drug culture: he's doing weed. Lots of it. He even invited me to smoke some grass with some friends of his. I don't think I'll be joining him, thank you.

Now here's the thing: should I tell his folks? Talk about oblivious: my uncle doesn't even know my cousin smokes tobacco. His mom does, but doesn't say anything about it. But I don't think either of them is aware of his drug use.

If I tell, my cuz will never trust me again. But if my aunt and/or uncle catch him and realize I knew about it and hadn't told them , They won't trust me anymore, either.

Bummer, man.

I should clear somethin' up

I recently said that I wanted to scream, shout but I just didn't have the energy. It worried some folks, and I feel I should explain. As so many things on my blog, it was written hastily.

Although I am aware that such severe tiredness is a symptom of deep depression, the explanation is way more mundane. What I meant to say was this: recently my mom has asked me to help her out with a few errands. Being my mom's helper on top of working two jobs was can be really, really exhausting. So, sometimes when I get home and I get mad at stuff, I find myself so damn tired that instead of throwing a fit, I rather just go to bed. Sorry for the misunderstandings.

Unexpected development

I was reading the online version of the newspaper Ivy's brother writes for, and noticed a very rude comment left by some guy who was saying that Hughes should keep all of his personal stuff out of the newspaper. The funny thing? Even though I was mad at Hughes, I jumped to his defense.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with a columnist dedicating a column to saying farewell to a dear friend. After all, it's his column, and he can do whatever he pleases with it. And nobody can say otherwise. Here's an example of democracy and free will: if you don't like how a guy writes, just don't read him.

I am surprised how I was able to put aside my ill will towards Hughes long enough to defend his actions. I dunno where such clarity of mind came from. What I do know is this: after five long years, the guy feels like family. And nobody messes with my family.

Jennifer update!

As you may recall, I met a girl named Jennifer last weekend. She was very nice and I really liked her. Well, that turned out to be a bust for me. But not for my cousin Paul, 'cause she was totally into him.

However, when he called her, her boyfriend took the mobile from her hands and answered it himself! Paul was aware that Jennifer had a boyfriend, but didn't expect the guy to be this possesive. My cuz played it cool, but now he's really filled with reasonable doubt.

Supposedly, Jennifer was fed up with her current boyfriend and that's why her cousin wanted her to meet Paul. But now it seems that Jennifer is measuring Paul as a worthy replacement before actually dumping the previous guy. Now that doesn't seem very nice to me. What this means is that when Jennifer gets fed up with Paul, she'll have another guy already lined up when he dumps him.

Neither Paul or me are puritanic angels, but I do find her... too pragmatic for my taste, you know?

In short,
RUN, PAUL! RUN AWAY LIKE THE WIND!

Bipolarity and you

It would seem that everything points to me having a bipolar disorder. After long, endless days of pain and suffering, I woke up today feeling just right. More than just right. I was almost bursting with joy. I was so happy all day, it was almost scary. Jumping all over the place, talking fast and excitedly... I was like a madman.

And the best thing about being a maniac is that NOTHING can get you down. When you're depressive, even the most miniscule detail can crush your soul and make you sink even deeper in the depths of sadness. But when you are on the upside, your car could get stolen and you'd go 'Aw, shucks. Well, at least I still got my health!'

I caught myself making plans to learn Portuguese, German and French. And I want to travel a lot while I still can. Can this be the same guy who was a bottomless pit of gloom just a few days ago?

Kinda very, VERY pissed

I read something today that made me mad.

You see, Hughes -Ivy's brother- is a college professor. He is also a newspaper columnist. He usually writes about Economics in Kzanderallia. I must admit, the guy is very clever and he writes really good. He can make something as complex as economics into something an ordinary ignoramus as me can actually understand.

Well, on his latest column, he didn't write about his usual topic, but instead chose to dedicate his whole column to talk about the death of one of his students. He expressed the shock and pain such news inflicted on him and those who knew the dead guy.

That's all fine and good. But you know what? When Ivy died, he didn't even write a sentence about her.

Each of us handles pain our own way, sure. And he is entitled to write about whatever he pleases. But it seems unfair! She wasn't just anybody! She was his SISTER. And even though she got pages and pages of obituaries, it's not the same as a few loving words from her big brother. And she got none.

It makes me so angry. It also makes me sad. But, as so many things in life, I can't do a thing about it but vent here. So I have.

Pumping on your stereo

This video was made by the British band Supergrass waaaaay back in 1999. Directed by Hammer & Tongs, and with a little magic courtesy of Henson's Creature Shop.

This is a really old video, yet I had never seen it, until today. Can you believe it?
God bless YouTube.

The power of the mind

I have to really focus mentally. I you say stuff to yourself over and over, it ends up becoming 'true'. It may be a total fallacy, but you manage to believe it like if it was carved in stone.

It's called 'programming'. More on this later.

The battle is over!

Many, many months ago, a few of us kids at Worth got together and decided to strip. No, you sicko, we didn't take off items of clothing, we made comic strips daily.

It was called The Battle of the Strippers, and it was a really fun idea. It was a hoot to read each new posting by the strippers, starting with the thead title, which was always wacky.

Groggie even generously collected all the comics in one place for easy reading. Check it out!

Unfortunately, people started quitting soon enough. A certain lameass dropped the very next day!

In the end, just two were left: Meowza and DeadElvis.

Finally, today Meowza threw in the towel, and DE became the winner.

Now each of us has to draw a strip prasing DE on his win. I'll make mine during the weekend. In the meantme, I set up a placeholder. I promise you, it will be totally cool.

Congrats, DE!

Aftermath

Goodbye, Critters! Goodbye, Meow Meow! Goodbye, Accountant! Goodbye, the rest!
I shall miss you all!

On tonight's episode...

Man, haven't you got the feeling that life sometimes resembles a teen drama?
Mine does.

Last night, I decided to go out and see my cousin Paul's band, DeZirkhus. They're not really big right now, 'cause -family love aside- they suck. The bass player (Rod) and the drummer (my cuz) are kind of decent, but the singer/lead guitar (Punch) doesn't have such a good voice, and he keeps forgetting his lines. Oh, and the venue is no bigger than your average walk-in closet.

It was a pretty slow night until the bass player's girlfriend showed up with her cousin on tow. Man, that's when things got really cool. She was really cute, funny... I was totally attracted right away. She lit up what seemed to be just another night of ear-blasting music. Well, maybe the night would've been really interesting anyway cause a few minutes later a drunk woman started to do a dance that would put a Vegas stripper to shame.

Back to the girl. Her name was Jenny, and she was utterly extroverted, but not in an annoying kind of way. I was delightfully surprised how easy it was to talk to her. We talked about her plans to go to take a year off school to go to Paris to learn French, about the fact that my dad owned a piece of land near the place where she lives. At this point I was already aware that 1) she had a boyfriend and 2) that she was really into my cousin. But I just didn't care.

When the guys decided to take off and head to Rod's place to have some drinks at about 1:30 AM, I went along only 'cause Jenny was gonna be there. The same was true when they switched to a parking lot near Paul's house at about 2:44 AM.

When the night finally ended, at about 3:45 AM, my thoughts were on Jenny. If only she didn't have a boyfriend, if only she didn't have a thing for my cousin, and if only she wasn't ten years my junior... who knows?

Afterthought

A 29-year-old man going after 19-year-olds? I totally feel like a dirty old man. And yet, it feels so right...

About the Kzandertars

As some already know, I've been doing portraits (also known as 'Kzandertars') of Worth1000 members. Now this is has brought up some misunderstandings, which I feel I should address right now.

1. I am still doing Kzandertars. I just don't have time to do them every day. But I try to do at least five new ones every weekend.

2. Numbers mean nothing. Just because some Worthians were drawn first doesn't mean they are closer to my heart than the ones that were done later on. It's totally random. I love all Worthians alike. Yes, even you.

3. Peeps need to chill. Whining about not being drawn already is really uncool. And that really makes me want to not draw you. Not kidding.

4. I pretty much said everything I had to say in the three items before, but I felt like making another item, just because.

Thank you for your attention.

Bruce

Have I told you about Bruce? He's my oldest and wackiest friend. He and I have been together for the last 25 years. Sometimes we've been really close, and sometimes we haven't. We've had a lot of crazy adventures together. Recently I we got together to talk after almost six months of not seeing each other. He told me about the really silly adventures he's had lately.

One classic Bruce story: he got drunk, got into a fight, got all his clothes torn, went into a disco (ripped clothes, bloody face and all) managed to hook up some girl and made out with her all night.

Another little anecdote: He and a few friends got really drunk (alcohol is a constant in all of Bruce's tales). Next thing they knew, they were in a car with four very friendly girls (whom they didn't know) who were hanging out the sunroof and shrieking like mad women.

Sadly, it seems that Bruce is paying the price of such hard partying. He had kidney failure, and now he has to stay off liquor for at least six months. I mean, he can't even have a Coke.

Despite the ghastly aftermath, seeing him has prompted me to realize that my life has gotten really stale. I mean, all my other, more sensible friends are leading really stiff lives. They're married, they have to. Even though I was ready to do the same, now that Fate has spun my life around, I think I'll go out and have some fun while I can.

So tired

I wanna scream, cry, shout... but I find myself so tired lately, I just wanna go to bed.

When it rains, it pours

Ally, Ivy's sister, is in trouble. Her ex-boyfriend is turning really wacko. I mean, full-grade stalker and stuff. Everybody is really scared. He could be capable of anything. He's been quoted as saying, 'If she isn't mine, she'll be no one else's!' I fear the worst.

Can you believe it? I'm a juror!!

Those crazy guys over at Worth1000.com saw it fit to make me a juror. Geez, it's so sad when quality control hits rock bottom.

(Thanks guys!! I really love you all!!! And that is no joke.)

The outcast

Lately it seems as if I have to find a group to hang out with.

My old friends are all getting married and having kids. I am not about to do any of those things in the near future, so I find myself living in a totally different world from them. They spend all their time talking about finding a house, buying baby crap, paying mortages... whist I'm talking about bars and going out and having a good time.

Diferent worlds.

But then, when I try to go out with younger folk, I find myself unable to fit in as well. I tried to hang out with some of my cousin Paul's friends. Man, they talk about chicks and cutting class and stuff I did about ten years ago. They seem so full of energy, with all of their lives ahead of them, their future ripe with potential. Plus, all they wanna do is get drunk and party. Which they do as often as possible.

Talk about opposites, right? One group is totally banal and carefree. The other is firmly grounded and serious.

And I fit in neither.

Friday Night Fever

Last night, I did something I hadn't done for a while. I went out for drinks. By myself. Kind of. Lannie, Ivy's 20-year-old niece, mentioned that she was gonna go bar-hopping with her boyfriend and some and some of her girlfriends. She also said that I was welcome to join. I didn't say anything at the time.

I was totally unsure about going. I couldn't really picture myself hanging around with peeps 10 years younger than me. It seemd kinda awkward. In the end, I said 'screw it' and decided to go.

The night was so complex, that it deserves three Acts. Here we go:

ACT ONE:

I arrived at the bar, which was totally packed. I started looking for Lannie and found Valy instead. I think I've mentioned Valy before, but I allow me a moment to tell you a little more about me and her.

I've known Valy for a few years now. My sister mentioned she had some sort of crush on me at the beginning -and she is quite the cutie- but two things prevented anthing from happening. First of all, I was in a relationship. On top of that, she was my sister Abby 's friend, and my sister is famous for disliking any advances made toward her friends. So nothing happened. All we had was a bit of flirting from time to time.

Finding myself in the singles' scene once more, I felt it was time to see if anything could happen between Valy and me. However, it started to feel like all she did was toy with me. So much so that I decided to cut her off from my life completely. I erased her phone number and email from my address book, and deleted her from my IM client.

So, I hadn't spoken to Valy for about a month until I ran into her at the bar. She seemed totally excited to see me, and even left her friends to come over to talk to me. I kid you not, we were standing about six inches from each other. I felt some really cool vibes going on. There was playful punching and stuff. She kept insisting we should have lunch together next week. But just when I was totally sure I was getting somewhere, she said, 'I've just started going out with somebody. I'm so happy!!'

Well that felt like a bucket of chilly water had been dumped on my head. I tried somewhat unsuccesfully to conceal my embarrasment. She still mentioned something about me being invited to join her and her friends at their table. I thanked her and exited the bar as soon as she was out of sight.

I remember thinking how my night had been ruined in less than five minutes.

ACT TWO:

After walking a good while, I finally found Lannie and her friends at another bar. Apparently they had decided to switch venues after the first one was totally packed. They asked me to join them at their table. And then, something funny happened. She introduced me as... her uncle.

I must explain something here. Although a few times I've referred to Lannie as 'my niece', I must admit to some sort of incestuous feelings towards her. Yeah, the most moronic, retarded side of me kept hoping that she and I could eventually become an item. After all, she is one of the hottest, cutest and nicest girls I know. Of course, this was totally unthinkable back when Ivy was around, but now it seemed as something that could in fact happen someday. Of course, she'd have to forget that I was about to become her uncle, she'd have to not mind the fact that I'm 10 years older than her, and she'd have to settle for a lot less than her usual pick of boyfriends: rich and handsome.

Absurd as it was, that fantasy was very dear to me. It made me believe that somebody as gorgeous and nice as her could even consider me as a suitable mate.

But all that went out the window when she introduced me as HER UNCLE. A relative. And you don't go out with relatives. They just don't exist. They might as well be gay.
Crap.

ACT THREE:

As I was sitting amongst a table full of youngsters, I managed to catch a glimpse of a girl sitting on the restaurant across the street. It was Olly. I decided to go say hi. But then, as I was approaching her, I noticed she wasn't alone. A really huge and well dressed man had taken the empty chair at the table. Boy, that was awkward.

EPILOGUE:

I think I'll have to wait till my ego grows back before attempting to go out again.
It could be a while.

Everybody needs one

I have a few special friends. When I say 'special', I mean to say that they're like no other people I know. Really.

Take Louie, for instance. He has the mind of a child. Think Forrest Gump. He is a 30 year old man with the mind of a 14 year old. While most men are accused of being exactly like that, Louie REALLY IS that way. He is truly fascinated by decals, buttons and all sorts of toys. He loves cartoons and trucks. He is totally impulsive and wild, always full of energy and joy.

He is not wise, nor vane. He doesn't know what double entendres are. But that guy loves people fully. He is so quirky, he always cheers me up even when I'm totally down. He lights up my darkest days.

I love that wacky guy. I dunno what I'd do without him.

Could I get a hug?

Have I told you about this?

I've been reduced to ask people to hug me and hold me for a few minutes.
I feel so, so pathetic.

Six months

It's been six months since Ivy went away.
I still haven't forgotten you, my sweet.

Don't do it

Have you ever sneezed into a fan?
Bad idea. Unless you love your face covered in a yucky mist.

Could I possibly had gotten it wrong?

I kissed a girl for the first time at 23. I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 24.

Talk about lame, right? I can trace it all back when my friends starting going out with chicks at 14. We started going out to parties. But while everybody managed to get women to dance with them, and managed to get phone numbers galore, I always came up with zilch.

It feels as if I went to the same party over and over.

When I arrived, I'd ask a few girls if they wanted to dance. Some actually did. But then, I wouldn't know what to say to them. When I did manage to muster up the courage to say something, the music would drown it out. So it was just me and her, standing in the dance floor, dancing and not talking. So awkward. Then the song would end and each would go our own separate ways.

But as boring and frustrating as that was, it was less pathetic and soul-deadening than just sitting at a table all by myself, staring at a glass of Coke and pretending not to be the most miserable guy there. It was just so depressing. I would sit there and supposedly scan the dancefloor for girls to dance with. Actually I was looking for girls who wouldn't turn me down so harshly. Because they did. Hundreds of times.

I guess that's when my self-confidence got crushed to a pulp. Oh, and the self-loathing? It began about there too.

Looking back, it doesn't make sense. If I was so miserable, why didn't I just stop going to parties? Maybe 'cause I sensed that staying at home all the time was gonna be even worse.

My friends look back fondly on those times. But to me, it was akin to having my skin pulled from my body with tweezers.

Say it with music

Isn't it funny how you sometimes stumble upon a song that says EXACTLY how you feel?
And it usually is the song you least expect. Like some 80's power ballad:

-------------
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when Im older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

(I Want To Know What Love Is, Foreigner)
------------

It's like they're talking about me! Only they're not. But it feels as if they were.

I wonder, I wonder...

I wonder, I wonder... was Ivy the only girl for me? Or is there somebody else out there? If so, where is she right now? Do I know her already? Do I still have to meet her? What does she look like? How old is she? Will she meet my silly profile? Or will she be totally opposite? How long will I have to wait till we become an item? Will it be a whirlwind romance? Will it be step-by-step?

I wonder, I wonder... will I ever get married? Will I ever manage to convince another woman that I'm right for her? That joining her life with mine will be for the best?

I wonder, I wonder... will I ever be a dad? If so, how long till I hold my first newborn in my arms? Will I be a good dad?

So many questions... nothing to do but wait for the answers to come on their own.

Up against the clock

I remember when Ivy would say that she was an old woman... at 26. I used to laugh out loud. I told her that as long as she got married before she was 29, everything would be OK.

Now I'm about to turn 30 and I suddenly feel... anxious. I feel old. I feel that my life is almost over, and that I have wasted it fully. It feels like it's too late to do anything. Too late to graduate, to late to get a good job, too late to learn German, to start snowboarding, etc.

But the thing is, whenever I tell people how I feel, they come back with something like 'you got your whole life ahead of you', and 'you're still young'. Maybe I asking my 83-year-old granny is not a good idea.

I just thought of this

My dad died at 65. I am almost 30 now. If I can expect to have about the same lifespan, that means I have reached the middle of my life! So then this is nothing more than a mid-life crisis!! Aw, that makes so much sense. I feel a lot better now.

Got the blues

I am at a point where nothing feels right. I am in the most ego-centric state ever. Right now, all I can see is a wall in front of me. Ok, that's a bad metaphor, since I DO have a wall in front of me as I type this. But you get my drift.

I know I should move forward. I know it. But still...

Take my birthday, for instance. In November, I'm turning 30. The big 3-0. That's a big deal, right??

I used to get excited about it. Nowdays it's just depressing.

See, I am reaching an age where most people have a degree, a wife, and a big-ass job with a promising future.

What do I have? None of the above.

You know my girl troubles. We can skip that for now.

I am STILL striving to get my degree. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to dump so much time and money into it. I guess I only do it because it would be foolish to drop it when I'm so freaking close. Plus, it would make my family really happy if I had a diploma. But this whole thing is making me feel really down. You see, even if I graduated RIGHT NOW, this very instant, I am SIX years overdue. Every single one of my peers has graduated.

Now you can say that it doesn't matter, that it isn't a horserace. But let's be honest. Which one would you hire: a designer who finished his career in 5 years, or one who finished his in 11??

Let's forget about that for a minute. Let's see where I am right now. I hold two jobs, none of which pay enough, and none of them are really stimulating . At least I'm working as a designer. But where is that taking me? None of my jobs has any chance for improvement. No raises, nothing. As long as I'm working there, I will remain earning and doing the same. Some call that stability and security. I call that utter boredom and creative death.

Now, we wait

After four grueling months, I finished 30% of my graduation project. Hope it gets a good grade, so that would mean I could do the rest next semester. Right now, there's nothing left but waiting.

Sorry for the delay guys

I've been waiting for the end of my hiatus in the portrait-drawing business.. but it seems it will definitely have to wait another week, 'cause it's Finals Week and I am totally swamped with stuff to do.

But after May 11th, I'm back, baby!

Alone, so alone

Gosh, I feel lonely. I wish some of my friends would call me. But very few do. Of course, I could call them (in fact, I have) but that's not the point, right? It seems as though it is always my obligation to call people, to visit them, to organize get-togethers. Don't they feel the need to see me too?? Guess not.

I don't gripe anymore

I have decided to stop moping around people. Not because I don't feel the need to, but because I have just exhausted everyone who has been foolish enough to listen to my pathos-soaked ramblings.

I don't blame them. If I had a friend that just talked about his dead fiance over and over, I would be running from him like if he had SARS. It's boring, and it's taxing. You can only take so much.

Even Ivy's parents seem to wish they weren't reminded of her all the time. I have to move on, I guess. But I don't really want to. It's been five months and I still want to look at the pictures and read her mails and her cards. I don't want to forget! It seems like a way to kill her all over again. It's just not fair.

I wonder

I wonder what would Ivy be doing if it had been the other way around? What would she be doing if I had died? Would she be moping for me still? Would she be looking for somebody else already? I don't think so. Who knows.

Being alive makes me angry

It's just not fair. Why not me? Why? If one of us had to die, it should've been me. She was a very sweet, loving girl. She didn't deserve to die amidst so much pain. She should be here. She earned it, dammit. She did everything her frigging doctors told her to do. She dieted, she exercised. It was no use: she died anyway.

And in the meantime, I live. I, who seldom exercises, who never skips a meal... I, who never does anything right... I am still here. It's just stupid. It makes no sense.

The worse thing about it is having to move on. I don't want to!! Not only do I refuse to go forward, but I want to go backward! I want go back to a time when I could hold my pretty girl in my arms once more. I want got back so I could hear her tell me that she loved me... nobody will ever love me like she did.

"It hurts, it hurts!!"

I remember when she was struggling near the end, with horrible stomach cramps. Why couldn't it be a little less painful why? Why? It was almost as if she was being punished or something. Why? Whatever did she do to deserve this??

The future Mrs. Kz

I keep thinking about it all the time. How will I meet my future wife? Is she gonna be my next girlfriend? Or the one after that? And will she fill the profile?

Oh, 'cause I got a profile. Any girl who's willing to take Ivy's position as Official LoveMate better be ready to meet very high standards:

*20-24 years old
*1.58-1.63 cms tall.
*slender
*beautiful (but not too beautiful)
*Catholic
*middle class or higher
*college education
*appearance-conscious
*hygenically inclined
*must love kids
*must live no more than 10 miles from my place
*single

Seems shallow, I know. But I have my reasons. Allow me to explain:

*20-24 years old: After a certain age, women are more likely to notice they can live perfectly fine without me. But if you get them young enough, you can fool them into thinking you're essencial for their survival.
*1.58-1.63 cms tall: Women of scant stature can be very lovely, but I've noticed I never seem to think of them as grown-up women. They seem like little girls, which it feels kind of pedophilic. On the other hand, girls who are taller than me always seem to be older, which feels kind of Aedipus-ish.
*slender: I have always loved athletic women. They look so... good...
*beautiful (but not too beautiful): Do I need to explain this one??
*Catholic: Life is tough enough without having to decide what church to go to.
*middle class or higher: Interclass marriage is something you do at your own risk. Seen enough cases to know that I should avoid it at all costs.
*college education: I want a mental peer. Somebody who will get my jokes without having to explain every single one. In a word: cultured.
*appearance-conscious: Nobody likes a total slob.
*must love kids: This is my theory: any woman who's willing to stand a 3-year-old child will have enough patience to stand being with me.
*must live no more than 10 miles from my place: I don't want to have to spend half a gas tank just to go see her.
*single: I am just not looking forward to marrying a girl with kids and some wacko ex-husband running around.

Seem like impossibly-high standards?
Not to me. I mean, Ivy fit the profile like a glove.

This doesn't mean I want another Ivy. That's impossible. She was totally unique and no one will ever be like she was. I just want a girl who has the highest amount of the same good traits that Ivy had.

And in my book, that's not too much to ask.

Changes, changes...

One of the big changes I plan to make is to quit my job at Lexcorp for good. After five years, I'm ready. I want to have a lot of free time, improve myself a bit. I want to become an illustrator for real. I want to work out at the gym. Heck, I'm a bachelor and I don't have any kids. I can afford a few months of unemployment. It wouldn't be total unemployment, either. I want to keep working at Culture Publishing House. It'll help pay the bills.

I'm totally pumped about this. Quitting sounds so good.

What's on my mind

I decided to postpone the monthly visit to Ivy's grave so I could work on my portfolio. I'll go next week. I have considered stopping my visits, but no. I think a promise is a promise. I mean, she withstood my 'marvelous' company for five long years, she deserves at least this.

Looking back

God, it seems like it was ages ago, the last time I held Ivy in my arms. And it's only been five months! I try to keep her out of my mind as long as possible, 'cause any thought in that direction will halt my life to a complete stop. But it was beautiful. It really was. Never did I have to worry about her doing stuff behind my back. And she trusted me so completely, it almost scared me. And we were gonna have so many beautiful things: a life together, kids... everything is gone now.

Looking ahead

I want to believe that there is something further down the road for me. I want to believe that I am not totally repulsive or useless. But I recognize that I will have to work out and make heavy lifestyle changes, soon. I have to see a doctor, get some exercise. Maybe see a therapist. Get my friggin' degree. I have to be the best man I can be. Otherwise, I will not get the kind of mate that I long for.

Not looking at all

But, then again, there are moments when you shouldn't look in any direction at all. Just savor the moment as you live it.

Five years ago

A little more than five years ago, I was at the gym and got onto one of those walking machines. There was a girl on the next machine and I said hi to her, but didn't answer. I thought she was the rudest girl ever and got real mad. But when I was about to leave, I saw her again at the stationary bicycle. Our eyes met, and instinctively, I smiled. She smiled back and waved. I thought maybe maybe she wasn't so rude after all.

The next day, I went ahead and talked to her and we became great friends. We would schedule our workouts so we would do them together. She would call me her 'gym buddy' and we had really cool conversations. Eventually I got some nerved and asked for her number. Then we started to talk even more.

Our first date was difficult to come by. We were supposed to go to the movies one Saturday, but when I called she had left on a family trip. When I confronted her, she admitted forgetting about our date and was totally mortified. We rescheduled, but she forgot again and left on another family trip. I decided to give her a last chance. We went to the movies and had a great time. She even let me hold her hand. I tried to sneak a kiss out of her, but she wouldn't do it. She didn't push me away. Instead, she held my head very tight, like saying, "Please, let's do this right... let's be boyfriend and girlfriend first."

The next day I went on a week-long trip with some buddies. Two days into the trip, I realized that I really REALLY liked this girl. And I got really sad and wanted to go back right then and there, but we were 1000 miles away, so I had to wait till the trip was over. The first thing I did after I came back was go see her. I didn't even see my family till a couple of hours later, even though we lived in the same house.

That was on a Tuesday. That very Saturday, we went out and I (grudgingly) asked her to be my girlfriend. I didn't really want to ask, because I wasn't into formalities. But she totally was into them, so I had no choice. :)

Immediately afterwards we had our very first kiss. It was a quick one, but it was really nice. And that's how it all started.

That was exactly five years ago this day.

My sweet, sweet Ivy, I will never forget you.

Illustration workshop

When I heard a friend of mine was going to an illustration workshop, I totally tagged along. First of all, it was free. Second, it was over at Moneybags University, which has some of the most gorgeous girls in Kzanderland. Third, it gave me the opportunity to hang out with him after not seeing him for a month and a half (dunno the exact amount, but that sounds about right).

The workshop was nice. It was given by a lady who happens to be a big shot Art Director at Oxford University. But she was a very gentle woman, not filled with dellusions of gradeur, as I would be in her place.

I don't think I learned that much new techniques, but I got to see some really rad children's books, which I really love cause they always have the best illustrations. Plus, I got to draw, which relaxed me a bit.

I will post the drawings I made at the workshop as soon as I can. I made them in about 20 minutes, so set your expectations accordingly.

This is promises to be a craptabulous day

My sister gets her second dose of chemo today and she has to stay at the hospital for three days (again). Plus, I have to go meet a guy who's gonna help me send some polls that'll help me with my investigation. And I have to go to school.

Did I mention I didn't sleep very well? No? Sorry, I must've forgot. You see, I haven't been sleeping well.

It's almost that time of year...

This Friday, the 21st, Ivy and I were to be married, on our 5th anniversary.

I know. I can almost feel depression sweeping in.

About an hour ago, I called my mother-in-law and had a good cry.
This is just... so... hard.

(snif) I need a hug. Or two. Big ones.

Name that tune!!

Ok, now maybe you guys would be so kind as to help me find the title of this little tune. (1.3 MB WAV file)

I am almost sure it was a 60's or 70's TV show theme or a movie soundtrack.
I think it's either a Morricone or Alpert tune, but so far no luck.

Got a bald sister

My sister Abby decided to chop off all of her hair before more of it fell out.

Wow.

It is shocking, lemme tell you. It's like a scene out of THX 1138, that obscure George Lucas film where everybody had their heads shaved, even the women.

I hate termites

This house is forever filled up with termites. Around this time of year, they come out of wherever they are hiding and start flying everywhere. And once they land, they drop their wings and start chewing away.

This is terrible for a graphic designer: they eat paper, wood, cardboard, books, magazines... I need to fumigate... PRONTO!!

Still no luck

Even after I bought those wonderful speakerphones, my granny still prefers to shout stuff. She says it's easier. Of course it is. But this is not about easier, it's about being a bit more civilized.

Oh well, maybe she'll come around someday.

Babies light up a place

Yesterday, some of my sister's friends dropped by. They're a married couple who live in El Salvador, and yet they didn't mind driving all the way to Kzanderallia just to see my sis. Now that's what I call friendship!!

Anyways, they brought their eight-month baby along. He is huge! And sooo cute!! Well, he was the star of the show. Everybody wanted to cuddle him and pat him and make funny noises for him.

You should've seen my grandma. She just loves babies. She picked him up and sat him in her lap. She seemed like 15 years younger!

That's one thing about my house... there's no babies. My sister Abby is the youngest, and she is 24. So it is a very grown up environment. Quiet, peaceful... maybe too much so.

That stinging sensation

It tears me up, you know? The fact that my granny, my mom, my sis... everybody seems to yearn for a kid running around, giving everybody heck. And yet, babies are nowhere in the picture right now. Because of her chemo and many operations, Abby will probably never have kids of her own. Luann isn't even looking for a boyfriend right now because of her hectic lifestyle.

And that leaves me. I was ready to fulfill my duties and get some babies made. If everything went well, we would've had ourselves a baby in less than a year's time. But fate had other plans. And now, I'm back to square one. Even if I met somebody tomorrow, it'll probably be three years (at least) till a baby roams around these parts.

Bummer.

Another comic!

My new comic!

Recently Galoot posted a wonderful new comic-making tool, which was just a blast.
I tried it out and this is what came out.



Hope you like it!

Panic

Well, it's official: I've started to freak out. It's been almost four months since Ivy isn't here and I feel miserable and lonely as heck. This is when I miss Ivy the most. With her around, I was NEVER lonely. We would talk and talk till there was nothing good to talk about.

But now I feel like unloading my heart, but nobody wants to listen. Can't really blame them. Listening miserable tales for hours tends to bore anybody.

Feelin' like mopin' a lot

...hope you don't mind.

The thing is, that I've been able to cope a bit better with the fact that Ivy isn't here anymore. But it seems that every time I go to see her at the cemetery, the memories come flodding back.

Did I mention I'm going to see Ivy's final resting place every month? I started going back in January -I just couldn't get myself to go there before that. I try to go in the weekend between the 21st and the 29th of the month.

Why the 21st? Our anniversary was on the 21st of April, but Ivy and me used to celebrate every 21st we were together. And the 29th marks another month that Ivy isn't here.

The cemetery is a very calm place. Her family grave faces a beautiful garden. It helps to ease my heart, which happens to break in a million pieces every single time.

Damn, it's harsh.

I feel lonely and I wanna cry like a little boy

Actually, that sounds so good...

I'm like a wounded puppy

You know how, if you feed a little puppy, he makes you his master?
I've just realized I'm exactly like that.

I tend to develop genuine affection for any woman that is kind to me. I gotta stop confusing compassion with love.

That's why I really have to finish school so I can start going out and meeting people as soon as possible. Then I'll stop obsessing about having somebody in my life.

The trouble with finding a lady for me

I've always been inclined to think poorly of myself, specially in the ladies department. Getting a girl seems like a totally impossible feat for me. I used to blame it on the fact that I am fat, or maybe I didn't dress right. Or maybe I was too ugly to get girls.

But then, I noticed that uglier, worse dressed kids were getting girls. And no, it didn't always mean that they were loaded (although that always helps). It was a self esteem issue, plain and simple.

Other dudes didn't think of themselves as the scum of the earth, so other people didn't either. But I always seem to be thinking something along the lines of 'This shirt makes me look fat', 'I hate my hairdo', 'My beard looks like crap'. And, I mean, that shows. But I don't know how to consciously overcome it. Sometimes, in the right mindset, I am able to forget myself and achieve wonders. But those happenings are scarce.

Ivy helped me not to think about these things, because she was just the perfect woman for me. She was cute and she loved me a lot. She had flaws, as any other human being. But she fulfilled me in ways I can't even begin to describe. I was so fulfilled that I didn't have to worry about how attractive I was cause she was a living proof that I wasn't so bad. One thing I loved about being with Ivy was the fact that I would never have to date again.

But now she's gone and I'm on the dating arena once more. And it doesn't seem pretty.

Lemme clear things up

It's not that I can't get girls at all, 'cause I can. But I have a weird ability to hook-up girls in whom I have no interest whatsoever. The less I want them, the more they want me.

So why don't I just hook up with one of those?? 'Cause it's not about hooking up with anybody. Maybe it was like that at the very beginning, but nowdays I have standards, dammit. The way I see it, any girlfriend I end up having has to have at least as much qualities as Ivy did. It's setting the bar a bit high, but anything less would be a setback.

Tell me whom you're hanging with, and I'll tell you who you are

A lot of people may not want to agree on this thing I'm about to say, but here goes: Mates are status symbols. Trophies. The kind of man or woman you get says a lot about you. The hotter your mate looks, the better off you are.

Because hot-looking mates are hard to come by, it takes a really special person to nail one of them. You may be loaded, or maybe you're hot-looking yourself. Or maybe you have this amazing quality which makes you totally attractive.

Now, being neither hot-looking nor wealthy, and not having any redeeming qualities, I am screwed.

Self improvement

Now just 'cause I'm lame now doesn't mean I plan on staying lame. As soon as I get my degree (which would be some major improvement right there), I want to better myself thoroughly. I'll get dance lessons, and I'll learn Italian and German. I'll go to the gym regularly and eat right. I'll also improve my wardrobe.

Now, if I could only get a personality transplant, I'd be set!!

Blondes

Kzanderallians have an obsession with blondes. Most aspire to be one or to be with one. Me included. It wouldn't really matter, except for the fact that most people around here look like this:



Now that is a problem.

My granny and the speakerphone

I live with my grandmother. Since it's just the two of us in a two-story house built for five, frequently we have to talk out loud:

-SONNIE?
-YEAH?
-COME RIGHT DOWN, DINNER'S READY!!
-WHAT??
-DINNER'S READY!!
-OH. THANK YOU!!

Yelling is fun, but after seven years, it kind of gets tiresome. So the other day, I decided to finally buy a couple of wireless speakerphones I saw at the hardware store.



They're great. You just plug them into a wall socket and they're up and running.

Despite this apparent ease of use, I can't tell you how hard it's been to try to teach her to use the dang things.
Even though it's a very straightforward procedure (press the button to talk, release to listen), she manages to get it wrong most of the time. She forgets to push the button, or she forgets to release it. Of course, it's endearing to see her try.

Hey... guess what? I'm feeling blue again!!

Big surprise, right??

After the whole Midge fiasco, I am forced to face my loneliness once more.
And why don't I go out with some friends?? Well, I can't! I'm working on graduating this semester, remember?

But that's bull. I guess that if I really wanted to go out, I would.
I think I just feel like moping a bit.

Staying away

I've decided to finally let go of Midge. I am tired of pretending, of telling myself I will somehow break thru to her, that she will like me at some point.

I mean, Gawd... she always sits in class as far away as possible from me!
I noticed that a while ago, but I just can't ignore it anymore.

I am angry. Angry at her, because she doesn't want me.
And angry at myself, for even thinking that she could ever want to be with me.
So, enough. No more calls, no more trying to be her friend, nothing.
It's time to focus my energies elsewhere.

I should be thankful with Midge.
She is helping me graduate.

Update

Well, Midge is boyfriend-less, that is for sure.
But everything else is blurry.

She doesn't totally hate me, yet she doesn't want me getting any close to her.
The story of my life.

I had forgotten how good a woman feels

Enter Valy. I've known her for over six years now. She's a friend of my sister's. Then I found out she had a teensy bit of a crush on me, but my sister shooed that away from existence. I think she doesn't think Valy is good for me. Or maybe she doesn't want to mix friends and family. Granted, it could get messy.

For the past six years we've had a really good vibe between us. But since Ivy was around, neither of us did anything about it. But we've kept in touch. We MSN each other and I call her sometimes. and that was it.

But yesterday was different. She goes to the same gym I go to (when I actually go), but we seldom see each other 'cause of my college schedule. She asked me if I was gonna go to the gym, and I told her I was only dropping by just to say hi.

When I got there, she was really kind. Really kind. She sat me down and we talked. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her. I told her about Moonlight Mile, about my anger, and about the sadness that never seems to leave me since Ivy is gone.

Valy was really nice. She patted me on the thigh and held my hand. I thought my heart was gonna burst. Val is really cute. And she was looking at me with those gorgeous green eyes of hers.

It was a really sweet and intimate moment, like we used to have with Ivy. It felt really good.
There is definitely still a vibe there. But I'm afraid. It felt too good. I have to sort out those feelings. Is this too soon??

Plus, I should think twice before making any advances on a friend of my sister's.
It could get messy. My sister isn't too fond of her big brother eyeing her pals.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings

Ready for another chapter in the Midge saga?? Yeah, I wasn't expecting one either.
After my sister told me on Saturday that Midge was spoken for, I was totally miserable but ultimately decided to stay away and go on with my life.

But then, yesterday happened. We were in class and Midge was late. I was trying to pretend like I didn't care she wasn't around. Then she arrived in a rush, her vains popping out of her forehead like they do whenever she has to run somewhere.

Then, the teacher smiled and said, "You know what, I'm gonna have to talk to that boyfriend of yours so that he lets you come in on time."

Midge smiled back and said, "I wish it were as easy as that, but there isn't any boyfriend right now!"

I don't really remember much of what the teacher said afterwards. I guess I was too busy trying not to show how happy those little words had made me.

But wait, there's more

I thought everything was back to what it used to be... but no.

I was having one of my meditative moments, when Midge came by and punched me on the arm while she said something like, "Hey, why the long face?".

I was flabbergasted. She had NEVER touched me before. All I could think was that line from the Will Smith movie, Hitch: "If a woman hits you, that's a good thing." And she did it like three times. And she went up and talked to me about the Infinite SummerBlast, and how she's going to next Saturday's bash (which I was planning to attend)

And... AND... after class was over and I dropped her off at her parking lot, she sat shotgun!! She had never sat shotgun before. I'm not saying it was a deliberate thing, but it happened and that's what I'm focusing on.

So, last night I was driving on cloud nine all the way home.

Death of a phone

I was talking to my sister and my phone fell on my toenail.
Have you any idea of how painful that can be?

Well, I wish I could tell you what happened next, but I can't.
I think I had a blind-rage episode, can't really say.

Last thing I remember was a furious pain climbing thru my nervous system, reaching my cerebelum. Then, blank.

When I came to, I had a million pieces of green plastic in front of me.
Then I started having brief flashes of myself shouting obscenities and smashing my phone to bits.

So now I need to get me a new phone. But man, smashing the old one felt good!

Comments: the switch

I finally decided to switch from Haloscan's to Blogger's comment feature. I liked a lot of things about Haloscan's comments, except for the fact that you have to pay $15 for them. If you don't pay, any comment older than 4 months will be hidden and you won't be able to see them till you hand over the cash.

Despicable.

However, I'm thinking about shelling out the cash anyway, so I can reactivate my Haloscan comments and then rewrite them over at Blogger. It'll be expensive and boring, but dammit, I owe it to my fans.

Yes, the two of you.

Movie of the week

Have you seen it?

Moonlight Mile is the story of a guy -Joe- whose fiance dies a little while before the wedding, and about his relationship with his parents-in-law, the Floss's.

It was really moving, for it explored a lot of themes I've experienced firsthand as of late:

• How a person's sudden death can leave behind a gaping abyss in so many different lives at the very same time.
• How everything, EVERYTHING reminds you of her.
• How people find themselves with nothing to say but clichés to you to help ease your burden.
• How pathetic it is to be the guy with the dead fiancé.
  
• How your in-laws pleed with you not to fade away, not to dissappear from their lives, since you are the only thing they have left of their daughter.
• How you love them, and how you want to give them whatever they ask of you, even if it happens to be an emotionally excruciating task.
• How guilty you feel to actually start looking again for somebody to fill up your heart. Guilty, because you feel like you are erasing your last love from your life after all she did for you.

But Moonlight Mile ends on a positive note. Joe finds Bertie, a kindred spirit, and they head together towards the horizon.

So there you have it. All I have to do is find my Bertie and I'll be set.

Whoops

Me and my sister were having breakfast yesterday, and we started talking about people we know in school. Guess what? She knows Midge. My Midge.
And guess what else?? She has a boyfriend!!

Heartbreak Hotel

Well, it's not like we didn't suspect it, right?

I had all the clues in front of me, I just didn't want to see them.
Her aloofness now makes sense: she was trying to avoid giving me the wrong idea.
Her constant cell phone use.

It's a big pill to swallow, you know. But it will go down eventually.
It just feels stuck in my windpipe, that's all.

A walk on the clouds

Yesterday was just golden.

I had to go to my college campus to deliver an important homework. I had to start by looking up the class where my teacher was gonna be at. When I did, I handed her my homework, but then I noticed she and her class were discussing analogies and metaphors, which is a topic I felt I needed a boost on. So I asked permission to stay and listen in.

Anyway, as I was there sitting in class, I got a call... from Midge! I don't need to tell you how much did my blood pressure shoot up right there and then. The reason she was calling: she had to hand over the exact same assignment, so she needed to know in which class our teacher was. So I told her, and after a while, she showed up.

What ensued was what I like to call 'quality time'. No, it wasn't romantic, or anything like that. She just sat next to me and we chatted for a while as we waited for our teacher to take a break from her class so Midge could hand her the homework.

Guys like me, we don't get girls based on our looks, so we have to grow on people over time. But time is what we usually don't have. When we are in class, I don't get to talk to Midge a lot, cause the teacher gets pissed if we don't pay attention. And after our class is over, she just heads right home. But now, there she was, all by herself, no interruptions at hand. So we talked a bit. I didn't even try to flirt, because of her uncertain social status (single? commited? ). I just tried to obtain general info, and let her talk a lot while I listened.

After she had turned in her paper, I decided to walk her to her car. I pretended to have parked in the same parking lot that she had, just so I could walk along her side a while longer. It was about eight extra blocks of walking for me, but you don't care about hardships like these when you are infatuated.

Einstein is right. Time is relative. I remember savoring every second of that walk. But, all things come to an end. As I headed back to where my car was actually parked, I remember thinking -for the first time in a while- that my life could really turn out nice.

It's official: I have a crush

I am beginning to see puffy clouds and cherubs whenever Midge appears.
I am so royally screwed...

At least she allows me to give her a ride to her parking lot after class more often.

I'm a wuss

Big surprise, right? Anyway, lemme tell you why I mean what I say.

I decided to take Midge out to a thing called the Infinite SummerBlast, a one day music festival organized by a local radio station this very weekend. It's supposed to be mondo cool, with 12 hours of music and stuff, even a polo match(?). So last Saturday I got myself a couple of tickets and started gathering up the nerve to ask her out.

Since I am in the habit of complicating things, I started coming up with schemes to minimize possible rejection. I thought of giving her one ticket, then go by myself and just "casually bump" into her.

Now, here's what I actually did: Yesterday, I started telling Midge about these tickets I had for the Infinite SummerBlast, and how I wasn't gonna use them 'cause my mom had decided to have a day-long birthday party. So I asked if she wanted the tickets and gave them to her.

Dunno, it may sound like a really stupid thing to do, but I hope she will have a great time, and then she'll be really thankful towards the swell guy who made it all happen. Right?

Didn't think so either.

Can I tell you a secret?

I like somebody.

Her name is Midge. She's in my same class.
I think I have a crush on her.

Yeah, I know. It's too soon.

But I like to think this is a therapeutic kind of love. Allow me to explain.

After Ivy passed away, my fragile male ego sustained a big loss in the validation department. My little girl was always comfirming me as a valuable man. Even if she did nothing, she was living proof that I was worth something. I mean, if I had a girlfriend, I couldn't be that bad, right?

Since her departure, part of me has been looking for a girl that will validate me once again. It can't be just anybody.

Then, I met Midge. She is small, slender and cute. Just like I like them. Some stuff about her reminds me of Ivy, but in general, this kid is a whole new ballgame. She is spunky and a lot more extroverted than Ivy. Plus, she is a bit more scruffy-looking than Ivy.

So far so good, right? But a part of me tells me it ain't gonna happen.

I mean, she is nice and everything, but I don't see a real connection happening. She is kind of guarded and protective. I suspect this is due to the fact that she may have a boyfriend. I don't know for sure, cause I have no idea how to bring it up without sounding like I'm totally interested.

But even if nothing will ever happen between us, she is very important to me. Not because she is actually interested in me, but because she could be. It's the possibility of love which I treasure.

In her own way, Midge is helping me by taking my mind off Ivy for a while. And that's a big help.

Welcome back, my friends!!!

You know, it's not easy being in hi5.

I mean, sure, you get to do cool stuff like meeting people and such, but that's beside the point. The real cool stuff about hi5 is getting all the friends you can.
(In case you are unfamiliar with the whole hi5 methodology, you get to link your profile with other people's. The more linked profiles you have, the cooler you are)
At first it was really hard to get anybody to be my friend. Totally pathetic, I know. But it was the truth. Only my sisters wanted to hook up with me. Then some Arabian guy got in the act. And that was it for a really long while.

Then, in less than three months time I managed to up my friends to over 60.
I don't need to tell you how happy I was. I felt like the most happenin' guy around.
I pitied those poor sobs that had only 23 friends or so. I felt so charismatic and powerful! I felt like I could look down on anybody Then I had my ego handed down to me.

One evening, all my friends but 7 were gone. I didn't cry that time, but my eyes got really moist. I couldn't believe it!! Was I being punished for my unabashed pride??

I wrote to hi5 support over and over. Each time, I managed to sound even more desperate and maniac than the previous time. I really felt sad and vulnerable.

But that all changed, just now!! I opened up my account and noticed that all my friends were back!! Not only that, but I had managed to gain a few extra buds along the way. So now, I'm up to 75!!

I have almost overcome that horrorific week I've just had. I still shudder when I consider how many times people checked my profile and thought I was totally lame 'cause I only had three friends. Now people will have to actually know me before making that very same conclusion!!

HURRAY!! GO MOM!!!

My mom turned 58 today.

I gave her two books, a blouse, chocolates and had flowers sent to her place.

What can I say? I love my mother.
Sue me.

I am amazed

And you would be if you witnessed the sudden cleanliness that governs my room. I mean, we are talking about a room that used to be so cluttered that you couldn't see the floor. It drove a lot OCPD relatives nuts.

The transformation took its damn time to happen. It started slow, a couple of years ago, with the acquisition of a new file cabinet (a beautiful custom job, bigger than the standard model), and a new drawing table (which I managed to put together myself in a quite acceptable fashion). After that, things stood still for a while.

Then, the coloured plastic boxes started to pour in. At first, I got myself just three: one red (DVDs and CDs), one blue (books) and one yellow (magazines). Pretty soon it became apparent that I had badly miscalculated and was forced to go back to the store. And again. At the moment, I am the proud owner of nine sturdy plastic containers. Eleven, if you count a couple of transparent ones that my mom had given me a while back for my birthday.

Nowdays, while there is still a lot to be done, the room is way more organized than before. Way.

I dunno what is it about my family and clutter. My dad was the exact same way. I've tried to refrain from the excesses that he incurred into, but it's not easy. Sometimes it's very hard to part with stuff. You always fear that instants after you have thrown away something, the urgent need for the discarted item will arise out of nowhere.

I like to think that the only things that keep me from a fully organized lifestyle is a lack of proper furniture. Currently my desk has no drawers of any kind (which is no surprise, given that it is actually a dinner table from my Dad). I don't even have a working closet (the current one is old and rotting away). The shelves are far from optimal. But all that will change eventually.

Wait till I get some time and money in my hands, and I'll put in new closets, bookshelves and a really good bed. It'll be grand, you'll see!! Maybe then my granny will stop having seizures whenever my room comes up in a conversation.

58

A couple of days ago, Ivy and I would've celebrated our 58th month together.
Luckily, I was just amazingly busy and I wasn't able to dwell on it much.

Gosh, I still miss her so much, the only way to cope is to avoid thinking about her at all.