Fooling myself

Some folks were rattled by my very drastic resolve. It's understandable: not every day does a guy come out saying he's giving up on relationships and kids for good. Unless he's about to become a priest.

Well, you guys shouldn't have bothered. Why? Because I'm full of crap.

I DO want to have a woman in my life and have kids. I daydream about having a little Kz sitting in my lap, while a loving Mrs. Kzanderall and I exchange glances and air kisses before she continues reading her favorite book.

Then, why did I come up with such a statement? Well, the resolve was created in the midst of one of the darkest depressions I've experienced in recent history. My insecurity melded with angst and self loathing.

The truth is that I am scared crapless.

I am (almost) 30 years old. In my mind, I could very well be 50. Old maid. But wait: that's not all! I also happen to have a VERY lackluster physique. I still haven't gotten my college degree. I don't have a promising career, or a an outstanding income.

With such glorious attributes, I am afraid, REALLY afraid that no woman will ever want me and I will die all alone.

So that's where my resolve came in, to turn things around. Instead of women casting me aside, I was rejecting them. Instead of realizing my DNA is unwanted, it was me choosing not to grant others the opportunity to make babies with it.

Oh, well. Back to the real world.