I don't gripe anymore

I have decided to stop moping around people. Not because I don't feel the need to, but because I have just exhausted everyone who has been foolish enough to listen to my pathos-soaked ramblings.

I don't blame them. If I had a friend that just talked about his dead fiance over and over, I would be running from him like if he had SARS. It's boring, and it's taxing. You can only take so much.

Even Ivy's parents seem to wish they weren't reminded of her all the time. I have to move on, I guess. But I don't really want to. It's been five months and I still want to look at the pictures and read her mails and her cards. I don't want to forget! It seems like a way to kill her all over again. It's just not fair.

I wonder

I wonder what would Ivy be doing if it had been the other way around? What would she be doing if I had died? Would she be moping for me still? Would she be looking for somebody else already? I don't think so. Who knows.

Being alive makes me angry

It's just not fair. Why not me? Why? If one of us had to die, it should've been me. She was a very sweet, loving girl. She didn't deserve to die amidst so much pain. She should be here. She earned it, dammit. She did everything her frigging doctors told her to do. She dieted, she exercised. It was no use: she died anyway.

And in the meantime, I live. I, who seldom exercises, who never skips a meal... I, who never does anything right... I am still here. It's just stupid. It makes no sense.

The worse thing about it is having to move on. I don't want to!! Not only do I refuse to go forward, but I want to go backward! I want go back to a time when I could hold my pretty girl in my arms once more. I want got back so I could hear her tell me that she loved me... nobody will ever love me like she did.

"It hurts, it hurts!!"

I remember when she was struggling near the end, with horrible stomach cramps. Why couldn't it be a little less painful why? Why? It was almost as if she was being punished or something. Why? Whatever did she do to deserve this??