Sunday, April 30, 2006

What's on my mind

I decided to postpone the monthly visit to Ivy's grave so I could work on my portfolio. I'll go next week. I have considered stopping my visits, but no. I think a promise is a promise. I mean, she withstood my 'marvelous' company for five long years, she deserves at least this.

Looking back


God, it seems like it was ages ago, the last time I held Ivy in my arms. And it's only been five months! I try to keep her out of my mind as long as possible, 'cause any thought in that direction will halt my life to a complete stop. But it was beautiful. It really was. Never did I have to worry about her doing stuff behind my back. And she trusted me so completely, it almost scared me. And we were gonna have so many beautiful things: a life together, kids... everything is gone now.

Looking ahead


I want to believe that there is something further down the road for me. I want to believe that I am not totally repulsive or useless. But I recognize that I will have to work out and make heavy lifestyle changes, soon. I have to see a doctor, get some exercise. Maybe see a therapist. Get my friggin' degree. I have to be the best man I can be. Otherwise, I will not get the kind of mate that I long for.

Not looking at all


But, then again, there are moments when you shouldn't look in any direction at all. Just savor the moment as you live it.

1 comment:

Dawn Penguin said...

If you want a song to listen to when you're feeling melancholy - go to iTunes and search on "O'Shaughnessy" and it will turn up a song called "O'Shaughnessy's Lament" that is a capella and just beautiful.