Sad moments

The gloom returned with a vengeance. Let me count the ways...

Seven months

Every 29th of the month, Ivy's passing is pushed 30 days further into the past. In days like these, I really feel like talking about her, and be able to reminisce how she touched our souls with her love.

But who can I talk to?

Most of her family seems to be bent on trying to bury the pain by not mentioning her at all. I understand them, and I just don't feel like showing up at their doorstep ready to reopen the wound. The only one who is always willing to talk about Ivy is her mom. But today she was on her way to a party, and I didn't want to spoil her evening talking about her dead daughter.

So better luck next time.

Goodbye, Wario

I said goodbye to my friend Wario today. He's leaving for a six-month stay at the States with his mom. Then he wants to go to Europe for another three months. So he won't be coming back till March '07.

If he comes back.

You see, a while back Wario started to find Kzanderallian society archaic and restricting. His travels all over South America deepened that internal chasm even more. He longs for women who are more open-minded and modern. I'll be the first to admit that finding that kind of woman here is very rare.

Soon he'll be gone. I miss him already.

Buaahh!

While Wario and I had our last cup of coffee (ever?), we had a long conversation. He shared his uncertainty about the future. He worries that he sees nothing ahead. I told him about my daydream of staring into darkness.

Then, it happened.

Maybe it was everything. My sorrow for Ivy's absence. My sadness regarding the fact that a good friend was going away. Or maybe it was my gloomy assesment of my future. The thing is that tears started filling up my eyes. I clumsily looked for a napking to sop up my eyes, but the flow wasn't stopping.

Poor Wario wasn't expecting this. He knows I'm a sentimental dude who's prone to tearing up, but this caught him off guard. It must be so uncomfortable to sit at a table with a 29-year-old guy who talks to you while he's holding a napkin to his eyes in a vain effort to hide the fact that tears are all over the place.

Oh, the memories he'll take with him...

I'm okay now

Amazingly, I'm fine again. It seems that writing about this has helped me to calm down. And suddenly, I don't feel so crappy anymore. A bit sad, still. But the worst is definitely over. For now, at least.

Where do I see myself in five years?

I was reading an article in a magazine and this question came up. I asked it to myself, and at first, I came up totally blank. No clue. But then, a few notions started creeping in. I'd like to be married, have kids.

At this point, however, reality sweeped in and took everything away with just one blow: and just HOW am I going to be able to afford marriage and kids? With my puny, dead-end jobs? No way.

The way I see it, I have to start earning 50% extra a month, soon. But just how the heck am I going to do that?

Cousin envy

It's official. I envy the guy.
I can't help it.

But really: how can I not?

Paul's an only child. And my uncle's hard work has made them pretty wealthy. So he's had everything he ever wanted all his life. Cool car, cool clothes. Travel. You'd think that kind of thing would've made him a jerk, but no. He's a nice and cool guy too!! And he has tons of friends!! He is also a drummer in his own band. He just started his own advertising production company. And he's not even 21.

Plus, he's handsome. (I mean, a guy can tell. We just don't like to admit it.) Not gorgeously handsome, but very nice-looking.

The ladies? They flock to him.

Geez, if I was a woman and he wasn't my cousin, I'd be all over him too.

The darkness cometh

I have had this daydream for some time.

There was a seaside resort when I was a kid, called Leekin's. It had suites that faced the ocean. Around 8 PM, you could go out on the balcony and everything outside would be pitch black. So black indeed, that you couldn't see the ocean, just hear the waves crashing down below. Cold seabreeze would blow against your face, making you feel like you were about to be taken away by the omnipotent obscurity ahead.

In my daydream, I'm back at that balcony. I am leaning upon the railing. I gaze at the darkness in front of me. I know there's something in front of me, something huge, but I can't see it at all.

Just like it did when I was a kid, the experience is both frightening and exciting at the very same time.

My future is just as dark, powerful and mysterious. Where will it take me? I have no idea. All I know is that it's out there, and it's coming for me, whether I'm ready or not.

Busy day

What a day. I'll try to break it down in a way that it is narrated in a way that doesn't lose any zest.

My granny's bday, redux

Today was my granny's birthday party. It was a cozy affair, only seven people at my mom's. We had some very tasty sandwiches. I contributed with some party decorations: a handmade banner, and some colorful balloons. Looked very darn nice if I say so myself.

Just like any other Saturday

I once again attended my cousin's band weekend concert. It's becoming kinda boring. Same songs over and over, at ear-splitting decibels. I am striving to continue, 'cause I'm the only family member that regularly attends his gigs. And being a musician is pretty rough. I feel support is badly needed, so I'm just doing my part.

While in the midst of being totally deafened...

I got a call from Joey. He was returning one of my calls. He agreed to meet me at the bar where my cuz plays. We went nearby to down a few beers and talk a bit.

We had one of those really long talks that enrichen a person's life. We talked about my loss, and how I'm handling it. I put a lot of effort not to victimize myself, and tried to maintain a positive spin on the whole deal. Talking about my deceased girlfriend can be really depressing. But not today. I would even go as far as to say that it was also very liberating. I was able to look at my life and realize that I can go on. I have to.

Gentlemen, hide your girlfriends!

I got together with a few friends to watch one of the World Cup matches at a bar. We sat near one of the big-screen TV's they've got, we downed a few brewskies (beers) and had a good time. But then, my friend Fonz showed up with his girlfriend Jaq in tow. Whoa. The girl is a stunner: Blonde, great figure, very attractive. And she's very nice, to boot.

There was a moment when Fonz was talking to a friend of his and so Jaq and I started chatting amongst ourselves. She's a lawyer, and we ended up talking about conflict mediation, which she is very passionate about. Then started tapping me in the arm as she was talking.

I wasn't the only one to notice this. The Fonz did too. He came over and embraced Jaq, positioning himself between her and me. After a few minutes, he casually took her away from me to the other side of the table.

On the ride home, I kept thinking about those very events and concluded that Fonz had viewed me as a threat to his relationship and decided to take immediate action.

Honestly, I was totally flattered.

The good buzz lives on

Can you believe it? No traces of depression so far!! Of course I've gotten sad and stuff, but it's a temporary thing, lasting mere minutes each time. I keep looking at the lighter side of things.

Happy Fathers Day!

For everyone who is a father or has had a father.

CONGRATS!!

Paul, you never seem to amaze me

Well, it's the weekend again, and so Paul called a few friends for drinks at his place. It was kinda fun: met new people, drank a little, fell backwards from my chair... good times.

But then, I saw Sully -Rod's girlfriend- talking about Jenny again. They seem very interested in 'liberating' her from her evil boyfriend. And they want Paul to be her knight in shining armor, riding in to the rescue.

I am still unsure about that, and I still have to tell him what I think about the whole deal.

The bombshell

Listening to my cousin talking about getting another piercing was kinda surreal, but that was NOTHING compared to when he took me aside and told me he's doing MJ. For those totally detached from drug culture: he's doing weed. Lots of it. He even invited me to smoke some grass with some friends of his. I don't think I'll be joining him, thank you.

Now here's the thing: should I tell his folks? Talk about oblivious: my uncle doesn't even know my cousin smokes tobacco. His mom does, but doesn't say anything about it. But I don't think either of them is aware of his drug use.

If I tell, my cuz will never trust me again. But if my aunt and/or uncle catch him and realize I knew about it and hadn't told them , They won't trust me anymore, either.

Bummer, man.

I should clear somethin' up

I recently said that I wanted to scream, shout but I just didn't have the energy. It worried some folks, and I feel I should explain. As so many things on my blog, it was written hastily.

Although I am aware that such severe tiredness is a symptom of deep depression, the explanation is way more mundane. What I meant to say was this: recently my mom has asked me to help her out with a few errands. Being my mom's helper on top of working two jobs was can be really, really exhausting. So, sometimes when I get home and I get mad at stuff, I find myself so damn tired that instead of throwing a fit, I rather just go to bed. Sorry for the misunderstandings.

Unexpected development

I was reading the online version of the newspaper Ivy's brother writes for, and noticed a very rude comment left by some guy who was saying that Hughes should keep all of his personal stuff out of the newspaper. The funny thing? Even though I was mad at Hughes, I jumped to his defense.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with a columnist dedicating a column to saying farewell to a dear friend. After all, it's his column, and he can do whatever he pleases with it. And nobody can say otherwise. Here's an example of democracy and free will: if you don't like how a guy writes, just don't read him.

I am surprised how I was able to put aside my ill will towards Hughes long enough to defend his actions. I dunno where such clarity of mind came from. What I do know is this: after five long years, the guy feels like family. And nobody messes with my family.

Jennifer update!

As you may recall, I met a girl named Jennifer last weekend. She was very nice and I really liked her. Well, that turned out to be a bust for me. But not for my cousin Paul, 'cause she was totally into him.

However, when he called her, her boyfriend took the mobile from her hands and answered it himself! Paul was aware that Jennifer had a boyfriend, but didn't expect the guy to be this possesive. My cuz played it cool, but now he's really filled with reasonable doubt.

Supposedly, Jennifer was fed up with her current boyfriend and that's why her cousin wanted her to meet Paul. But now it seems that Jennifer is measuring Paul as a worthy replacement before actually dumping the previous guy. Now that doesn't seem very nice to me. What this means is that when Jennifer gets fed up with Paul, she'll have another guy already lined up when he dumps him.

Neither Paul or me are puritanic angels, but I do find her... too pragmatic for my taste, you know?

In short,
RUN, PAUL! RUN AWAY LIKE THE WIND!

Bipolarity and you

It would seem that everything points to me having a bipolar disorder. After long, endless days of pain and suffering, I woke up today feeling just right. More than just right. I was almost bursting with joy. I was so happy all day, it was almost scary. Jumping all over the place, talking fast and excitedly... I was like a madman.

And the best thing about being a maniac is that NOTHING can get you down. When you're depressive, even the most miniscule detail can crush your soul and make you sink even deeper in the depths of sadness. But when you are on the upside, your car could get stolen and you'd go 'Aw, shucks. Well, at least I still got my health!'

I caught myself making plans to learn Portuguese, German and French. And I want to travel a lot while I still can. Can this be the same guy who was a bottomless pit of gloom just a few days ago?

Kinda very, VERY pissed

I read something today that made me mad.

You see, Hughes -Ivy's brother- is a college professor. He is also a newspaper columnist. He usually writes about Economics in Kzanderallia. I must admit, the guy is very clever and he writes really good. He can make something as complex as economics into something an ordinary ignoramus as me can actually understand.

Well, on his latest column, he didn't write about his usual topic, but instead chose to dedicate his whole column to talk about the death of one of his students. He expressed the shock and pain such news inflicted on him and those who knew the dead guy.

That's all fine and good. But you know what? When Ivy died, he didn't even write a sentence about her.

Each of us handles pain our own way, sure. And he is entitled to write about whatever he pleases. But it seems unfair! She wasn't just anybody! She was his SISTER. And even though she got pages and pages of obituaries, it's not the same as a few loving words from her big brother. And she got none.

It makes me so angry. It also makes me sad. But, as so many things in life, I can't do a thing about it but vent here. So I have.

Pumping on your stereo

This video was made by the British band Supergrass waaaaay back in 1999. Directed by Hammer & Tongs, and with a little magic courtesy of Henson's Creature Shop.

This is a really old video, yet I had never seen it, until today. Can you believe it?
God bless YouTube.

The power of the mind

I have to really focus mentally. I you say stuff to yourself over and over, it ends up becoming 'true'. It may be a total fallacy, but you manage to believe it like if it was carved in stone.

It's called 'programming'. More on this later.

The battle is over!

Many, many months ago, a few of us kids at Worth got together and decided to strip. No, you sicko, we didn't take off items of clothing, we made comic strips daily.

It was called The Battle of the Strippers, and it was a really fun idea. It was a hoot to read each new posting by the strippers, starting with the thead title, which was always wacky.

Groggie even generously collected all the comics in one place for easy reading. Check it out!

Unfortunately, people started quitting soon enough. A certain lameass dropped the very next day!

In the end, just two were left: Meowza and DeadElvis.

Finally, today Meowza threw in the towel, and DE became the winner.

Now each of us has to draw a strip prasing DE on his win. I'll make mine during the weekend. In the meantme, I set up a placeholder. I promise you, it will be totally cool.

Congrats, DE!

Aftermath

Goodbye, Critters! Goodbye, Meow Meow! Goodbye, Accountant! Goodbye, the rest!
I shall miss you all!

On tonight's episode...

Man, haven't you got the feeling that life sometimes resembles a teen drama?
Mine does.

Last night, I decided to go out and see my cousin Paul's band, DeZirkhus. They're not really big right now, 'cause -family love aside- they suck. The bass player (Rod) and the drummer (my cuz) are kind of decent, but the singer/lead guitar (Punch) doesn't have such a good voice, and he keeps forgetting his lines. Oh, and the venue is no bigger than your average walk-in closet.

It was a pretty slow night until the bass player's girlfriend showed up with her cousin on tow. Man, that's when things got really cool. She was really cute, funny... I was totally attracted right away. She lit up what seemed to be just another night of ear-blasting music. Well, maybe the night would've been really interesting anyway cause a few minutes later a drunk woman started to do a dance that would put a Vegas stripper to shame.

Back to the girl. Her name was Jenny, and she was utterly extroverted, but not in an annoying kind of way. I was delightfully surprised how easy it was to talk to her. We talked about her plans to go to take a year off school to go to Paris to learn French, about the fact that my dad owned a piece of land near the place where she lives. At this point I was already aware that 1) she had a boyfriend and 2) that she was really into my cousin. But I just didn't care.

When the guys decided to take off and head to Rod's place to have some drinks at about 1:30 AM, I went along only 'cause Jenny was gonna be there. The same was true when they switched to a parking lot near Paul's house at about 2:44 AM.

When the night finally ended, at about 3:45 AM, my thoughts were on Jenny. If only she didn't have a boyfriend, if only she didn't have a thing for my cousin, and if only she wasn't ten years my junior... who knows?

Afterthought

A 29-year-old man going after 19-year-olds? I totally feel like a dirty old man. And yet, it feels so right...

About the Kzandertars

As some already know, I've been doing portraits (also known as 'Kzandertars') of Worth1000 members. Now this is has brought up some misunderstandings, which I feel I should address right now.

1. I am still doing Kzandertars. I just don't have time to do them every day. But I try to do at least five new ones every weekend.

2. Numbers mean nothing. Just because some Worthians were drawn first doesn't mean they are closer to my heart than the ones that were done later on. It's totally random. I love all Worthians alike. Yes, even you.

3. Peeps need to chill. Whining about not being drawn already is really uncool. And that really makes me want to not draw you. Not kidding.

4. I pretty much said everything I had to say in the three items before, but I felt like making another item, just because.

Thank you for your attention.

Bruce

Have I told you about Bruce? He's my oldest and wackiest friend. He and I have been together for the last 25 years. Sometimes we've been really close, and sometimes we haven't. We've had a lot of crazy adventures together. Recently I we got together to talk after almost six months of not seeing each other. He told me about the really silly adventures he's had lately.

One classic Bruce story: he got drunk, got into a fight, got all his clothes torn, went into a disco (ripped clothes, bloody face and all) managed to hook up some girl and made out with her all night.

Another little anecdote: He and a few friends got really drunk (alcohol is a constant in all of Bruce's tales). Next thing they knew, they were in a car with four very friendly girls (whom they didn't know) who were hanging out the sunroof and shrieking like mad women.

Sadly, it seems that Bruce is paying the price of such hard partying. He had kidney failure, and now he has to stay off liquor for at least six months. I mean, he can't even have a Coke.

Despite the ghastly aftermath, seeing him has prompted me to realize that my life has gotten really stale. I mean, all my other, more sensible friends are leading really stiff lives. They're married, they have to. Even though I was ready to do the same, now that Fate has spun my life around, I think I'll go out and have some fun while I can.

So tired

I wanna scream, cry, shout... but I find myself so tired lately, I just wanna go to bed.

When it rains, it pours

Ally, Ivy's sister, is in trouble. Her ex-boyfriend is turning really wacko. I mean, full-grade stalker and stuff. Everybody is really scared. He could be capable of anything. He's been quoted as saying, 'If she isn't mine, she'll be no one else's!' I fear the worst.

Can you believe it? I'm a juror!!

Those crazy guys over at Worth1000.com saw it fit to make me a juror. Geez, it's so sad when quality control hits rock bottom.

(Thanks guys!! I really love you all!!! And that is no joke.)

The outcast

Lately it seems as if I have to find a group to hang out with.

My old friends are all getting married and having kids. I am not about to do any of those things in the near future, so I find myself living in a totally different world from them. They spend all their time talking about finding a house, buying baby crap, paying mortages... whist I'm talking about bars and going out and having a good time.

Diferent worlds.

But then, when I try to go out with younger folk, I find myself unable to fit in as well. I tried to hang out with some of my cousin Paul's friends. Man, they talk about chicks and cutting class and stuff I did about ten years ago. They seem so full of energy, with all of their lives ahead of them, their future ripe with potential. Plus, all they wanna do is get drunk and party. Which they do as often as possible.

Talk about opposites, right? One group is totally banal and carefree. The other is firmly grounded and serious.

And I fit in neither.

Friday Night Fever

Last night, I did something I hadn't done for a while. I went out for drinks. By myself. Kind of. Lannie, Ivy's 20-year-old niece, mentioned that she was gonna go bar-hopping with her boyfriend and some and some of her girlfriends. She also said that I was welcome to join. I didn't say anything at the time.

I was totally unsure about going. I couldn't really picture myself hanging around with peeps 10 years younger than me. It seemd kinda awkward. In the end, I said 'screw it' and decided to go.

The night was so complex, that it deserves three Acts. Here we go:

ACT ONE:

I arrived at the bar, which was totally packed. I started looking for Lannie and found Valy instead. I think I've mentioned Valy before, but I allow me a moment to tell you a little more about me and her.

I've known Valy for a few years now. My sister mentioned she had some sort of crush on me at the beginning -and she is quite the cutie- but two things prevented anthing from happening. First of all, I was in a relationship. On top of that, she was my sister Abby 's friend, and my sister is famous for disliking any advances made toward her friends. So nothing happened. All we had was a bit of flirting from time to time.

Finding myself in the singles' scene once more, I felt it was time to see if anything could happen between Valy and me. However, it started to feel like all she did was toy with me. So much so that I decided to cut her off from my life completely. I erased her phone number and email from my address book, and deleted her from my IM client.

So, I hadn't spoken to Valy for about a month until I ran into her at the bar. She seemed totally excited to see me, and even left her friends to come over to talk to me. I kid you not, we were standing about six inches from each other. I felt some really cool vibes going on. There was playful punching and stuff. She kept insisting we should have lunch together next week. But just when I was totally sure I was getting somewhere, she said, 'I've just started going out with somebody. I'm so happy!!'

Well that felt like a bucket of chilly water had been dumped on my head. I tried somewhat unsuccesfully to conceal my embarrasment. She still mentioned something about me being invited to join her and her friends at their table. I thanked her and exited the bar as soon as she was out of sight.

I remember thinking how my night had been ruined in less than five minutes.

ACT TWO:

After walking a good while, I finally found Lannie and her friends at another bar. Apparently they had decided to switch venues after the first one was totally packed. They asked me to join them at their table. And then, something funny happened. She introduced me as... her uncle.

I must explain something here. Although a few times I've referred to Lannie as 'my niece', I must admit to some sort of incestuous feelings towards her. Yeah, the most moronic, retarded side of me kept hoping that she and I could eventually become an item. After all, she is one of the hottest, cutest and nicest girls I know. Of course, this was totally unthinkable back when Ivy was around, but now it seemed as something that could in fact happen someday. Of course, she'd have to forget that I was about to become her uncle, she'd have to not mind the fact that I'm 10 years older than her, and she'd have to settle for a lot less than her usual pick of boyfriends: rich and handsome.

Absurd as it was, that fantasy was very dear to me. It made me believe that somebody as gorgeous and nice as her could even consider me as a suitable mate.

But all that went out the window when she introduced me as HER UNCLE. A relative. And you don't go out with relatives. They just don't exist. They might as well be gay.
Crap.

ACT THREE:

As I was sitting amongst a table full of youngsters, I managed to catch a glimpse of a girl sitting on the restaurant across the street. It was Olly. I decided to go say hi. But then, as I was approaching her, I noticed she wasn't alone. A really huge and well dressed man had taken the empty chair at the table. Boy, that was awkward.

EPILOGUE:

I think I'll have to wait till my ego grows back before attempting to go out again.
It could be a while.