I hadn't noticed how much time I invested into Ivy until she left. Suddenly, I found myself with horrible amounts of free time. I quickly realized that if I didn't do something about it, I would go insane.
That's when I decided to take another stab at getting my degree. Now I'm really close to finishing my graduation projects, and it saddens me to realize that I'm only able to get this far because I'm single. Ivy would absorb all my free time like a sponge. Not that I didn't totally enjoy giving all my time to her. I don't regret it at all, but being with Ivy and doing homework just didn't go together.
I remember a time when we decided that we were gonna attempt to study in the same room. It didn't work out at all. We lasted about ten minutes before we ran to each other. We spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling. Time well spent if you ask me, but no homework was done at all.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
My lousy English
Granted, it's not that lousy. In fact, it's not lousy at all. It's really good. It should be. I've been speaking it since I was five years old. That's twenty-five years.
Of course, I know several school friends that started speaking the language at the exact same time I did and yet are very lousy at it. Here's why: I've worked at it, they haven't. I've taken it to myself to look for ways to practice my English. I buy magazines, I read books, I see movies, I watch TV, I listen to music. Dammit, I read to myself aloud once a day. All that effort has permitted my English skills to endure and thrive.
Now you gotta remember that Kzanderallia isn't an English-speaking country. In fact, maybe less than 5% of the population knows any English at all.
That's why I relish the opportunities I've had to interact with somebody in English. After all, nothing beats a conversation to solidify your language skills. So I talk to foreign people in Skype, I call English-speaking radio shows. I love talking to tourists.
Now, being a good English speaker is a great morale booster. Here's something I always do: before speaking to somebody in English for the first time, I devalue my skills, referring to them as meager or basic. That always prompts people to contradict me and say that I have a really good English for a foreigner. Of course I know that, but hearing them say it propells my ego sky high.
If speaking a foreign language feels good, imagine how speaking two or three will feel. My ego will just soar.
Of course, I know several school friends that started speaking the language at the exact same time I did and yet are very lousy at it. Here's why: I've worked at it, they haven't. I've taken it to myself to look for ways to practice my English. I buy magazines, I read books, I see movies, I watch TV, I listen to music. Dammit, I read to myself aloud once a day. All that effort has permitted my English skills to endure and thrive.
Now you gotta remember that Kzanderallia isn't an English-speaking country. In fact, maybe less than 5% of the population knows any English at all.
That's why I relish the opportunities I've had to interact with somebody in English. After all, nothing beats a conversation to solidify your language skills. So I talk to foreign people in Skype, I call English-speaking radio shows. I love talking to tourists.
Now, being a good English speaker is a great morale booster. Here's something I always do: before speaking to somebody in English for the first time, I devalue my skills, referring to them as meager or basic. That always prompts people to contradict me and say that I have a really good English for a foreigner. Of course I know that, but hearing them say it propells my ego sky high.
If speaking a foreign language feels good, imagine how speaking two or three will feel. My ego will just soar.
Here's to you
I recently got word that I am being read.
Yeah, I've been told that I had readers in the past, but I got the chance to talk to one of them yesterday using Skype and it was a really gratifying experience. It makes writing a blog more like a monologue and less like a soliloquy.
So, good reader, when you come across these humble -and not so humble- words, know that I am really grateful for your readership. And if you happen to feel like leaving a comment, then I'd be really grateful.
Yeah, I've been told that I had readers in the past, but I got the chance to talk to one of them yesterday using Skype and it was a really gratifying experience. It makes writing a blog more like a monologue and less like a soliloquy.
So, good reader, when you come across these humble -and not so humble- words, know that I am really grateful for your readership. And if you happen to feel like leaving a comment, then I'd be really grateful.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Happened again
I was down at the mall and I was waiting for the elevator. When the doors opened, I noticed that it was almost completely empty. Almost. Inside was one of the most beautiful girls I've seen. Her eyes, her face, her outfit, her body shape, her height... everything was just perfect. She and I exchanged glances and she smiled at me courteously. I guess I did the same, I am not sure. I was so profoundly flabbergasted by her beauty, I couldn't move a muscle.
A few seconds later, when the elevator reached her floor, she stepped out and I was freed from the paralyzing echantment that had overcome me.
God, I love women.
A few seconds later, when the elevator reached her floor, she stepped out and I was freed from the paralyzing echantment that had overcome me.
God, I love women.
Adieu, Gustavo
It seems that I will not be able to attend Gustavo Cerati's current concert tour. All the good tickets are sold out for his Mexico D.F. shows. And since there is little chance he'll come to Kzanderallia, I guess I'll have to stick to obsessively listening to his records.
That sucks.
That sucks.
My weight is a no no
Today, at lunch, my mother jokingly commented that she was praying that I would lose my appetite. I didn't find it funny at all. In fact, I was very hurt.
My mom is concerned about my health. She thinks that my excess weight will kill me, and she's probably right. But right now, I am not extremely concerned about slimming down. Or rather, it does concern me, but not to the point to do anything about it right now. I plan to do so when I finish school, in a couple of weeks, when times aren't so stressful.
My weight is a very sore subject for me. I don't like people telling me that I look fat or that I should thin down. It's not that I am not obese or that it wouldn't be in my own interest to slim my body. But I believe that my weight is a personal subject, one that doesn't require public discussion. I mean, it's embarrasing. It's like people telling you you've soiled yourself or something. You feel so violated.
My mom is concerned about my health. She thinks that my excess weight will kill me, and she's probably right. But right now, I am not extremely concerned about slimming down. Or rather, it does concern me, but not to the point to do anything about it right now. I plan to do so when I finish school, in a couple of weeks, when times aren't so stressful.
My weight is a very sore subject for me. I don't like people telling me that I look fat or that I should thin down. It's not that I am not obese or that it wouldn't be in my own interest to slim my body. But I believe that my weight is a personal subject, one that doesn't require public discussion. I mean, it's embarrasing. It's like people telling you you've soiled yourself or something. You feel so violated.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Practical tips from the car
These are important goals to improve myself, all courtesy of the Car Therapy Sessions:
New skills must be acquired. Magic, sports, cooking.
Culture must be kept at a high level. Books, magazines, movies, TV. History, mythology, art, poetry are compulsory topics to be reinforced.
New clothes must be purchased that work with my current body shape, without considering future changes. While desirable, body mass changes are also extremely long in their occurrence. When it happens, clothes will be adjusted and new items will be acquired.
Frivolous expenses must stop immediately, in order to allow for savings to increase. A cash base must be constituted for acquisition of tools of the trade as well as the implementation of a self-promotion campaign.
Now, if you excuse me, I have work to do.
New skills must be acquired. Magic, sports, cooking.
Culture must be kept at a high level. Books, magazines, movies, TV. History, mythology, art, poetry are compulsory topics to be reinforced.
New clothes must be purchased that work with my current body shape, without considering future changes. While desirable, body mass changes are also extremely long in their occurrence. When it happens, clothes will be adjusted and new items will be acquired.
Frivolous expenses must stop immediately, in order to allow for savings to increase. A cash base must be constituted for acquisition of tools of the trade as well as the implementation of a self-promotion campaign.
Now, if you excuse me, I have work to do.
Friday, October 20, 2006
My life, in a nutshell
Think Car Therapy doesn't work? This is what I've come up with in recent sessions:
I'm insecure, and I need constant validation to sustain my fragile self esteem. The most important kind of validation to me is female validation, for it allows me to see myself as an attractive male. Having lost my source of female validation, I currently seek to fill that vacant spot.
Filling that spot is currently a priority, but I am aware that I lack physical and financial features which would make me a more attractive male. Obtaining such characteristics will be a long process, one that may take several years and a heavy investment. I have to be aware of the lenghty time period and keep my expectations at a sensible level.
There is a very high probability that until a certain degree of those characteristics is acquired, female intake will be extremely low. Despite this, social contact must not be avoided but increased. A certain amount of networking will be needed to attain financial upgrades and to establish a solid reputation as a upstanding and hardworking male, which can lead to a more ample variety of female companionship.
When searching for a female partner, variety is important, as is a clear view of the qualities required in a mate.
Extra studies and a sharp increase in freelance work are a must to obtain the financial attributes I seek.
Deep, huh? Read on. It gets better.
Over time I need to reconstruct my self esteem, which -after several months of no validation - is currently diminished it to a fraction of its former size. The best option I have is to make a transition. I need to switch to a new source of validation besides women, but also I need to depend less on validation to sustain my self esteem. Finding an alternative way to reestructure and bulk up my self-esteem is a priority.
Damn, I'm so good, I even scare myself.
I'm insecure, and I need constant validation to sustain my fragile self esteem. The most important kind of validation to me is female validation, for it allows me to see myself as an attractive male. Having lost my source of female validation, I currently seek to fill that vacant spot.
Filling that spot is currently a priority, but I am aware that I lack physical and financial features which would make me a more attractive male. Obtaining such characteristics will be a long process, one that may take several years and a heavy investment. I have to be aware of the lenghty time period and keep my expectations at a sensible level.
There is a very high probability that until a certain degree of those characteristics is acquired, female intake will be extremely low. Despite this, social contact must not be avoided but increased. A certain amount of networking will be needed to attain financial upgrades and to establish a solid reputation as a upstanding and hardworking male, which can lead to a more ample variety of female companionship.
When searching for a female partner, variety is important, as is a clear view of the qualities required in a mate.
Extra studies and a sharp increase in freelance work are a must to obtain the financial attributes I seek.
Deep, huh? Read on. It gets better.
Over time I need to reconstruct my self esteem, which -after several months of no validation - is currently diminished it to a fraction of its former size. The best option I have is to make a transition. I need to switch to a new source of validation besides women, but also I need to depend less on validation to sustain my self esteem. Finding an alternative way to reestructure and bulk up my self-esteem is a priority.
Damn, I'm so good, I even scare myself.
Therapy on wheels
I just needed a breather today. A lot of stuff went thru my mind, and I just couldn't handle it. So under the guise of returning some videos, I went driving for an hour.
You see, lately, my car has become my very own therapy room. I begin talking to myself, as if I were telling my life to an unexisting therapist. Sometimes I even start with a 'Good evening', to make the illusion complete. After that, the emotions, the conflicts, everything just flows. And it works. I see my life in a very clear manner, more so than I would otherwise. Of course, sometimes, life becomes too painful to see in its translucent wholeness. So there is a bit of crying, sometimes. Or lots. But it's all good. It's all part of the process.
It could work without the car, I guess, but seldom do I find spaces with such privacy. Imagine what would happen if I started talking out loud at home! Specially with the occasional sobbing involved. Unthinkable.
So today, after dropping off the videos, I just kept on going. I didn't go that far out, just about 13.5 kilometers, then turned right back around and drove some more. I drove around for about an hour, talking most of the time. It felt good. Really good.
Best thing of all? Car therapy is free, unless you count the gas. But when you think that I must've spent about 8 bucks on gas for an hour's worth, it's still the cheapest way to mental health I know.
You see, lately, my car has become my very own therapy room. I begin talking to myself, as if I were telling my life to an unexisting therapist. Sometimes I even start with a 'Good evening', to make the illusion complete. After that, the emotions, the conflicts, everything just flows. And it works. I see my life in a very clear manner, more so than I would otherwise. Of course, sometimes, life becomes too painful to see in its translucent wholeness. So there is a bit of crying, sometimes. Or lots. But it's all good. It's all part of the process.
It could work without the car, I guess, but seldom do I find spaces with such privacy. Imagine what would happen if I started talking out loud at home! Specially with the occasional sobbing involved. Unthinkable.
So today, after dropping off the videos, I just kept on going. I didn't go that far out, just about 13.5 kilometers, then turned right back around and drove some more. I drove around for about an hour, talking most of the time. It felt good. Really good.
Best thing of all? Car therapy is free, unless you count the gas. But when you think that I must've spent about 8 bucks on gas for an hour's worth, it's still the cheapest way to mental health I know.
I should put women out of my mind
I should, I really should. They're an expensive, time-consumming hobby. And right now I need to pool all my resources into getting my diploma. Women love men with diplomas. They make us look sexy. Although, in my personal case, I think I need about fifteen diplomas to do the trick.
Drinks with Bruce
I met up with Bruce today. Our excuse was that he needed some dough and I agreed to give it to him as long as he got me the number of a girl he knew. Besides our little transaction, we had some shrimp cocktails and then we headed out to a bar, where each of us had a tall glass of beer. Oh, and some munchies. Can't forget about them munchies.
We talked about stuff. Bruce is one of my oldest friends (25 years) and even though our tastes differ enormously in a lot of ways, we share views in a few aspects of life. Sometimes he asks my advice (although he usually never does what I tell him to). And sometimes I do the same (but I do follow his advice).
We talked about him finally getting this big job at a corporation. He's gonna be earning about three times what I earn now. Yeah, I'm envious as heck, but nobody told me to take on the Lexcorp job anyways.
We talked about me getting back on the horse. The relationship horse, I mean. His advice was not to dispair (it's a loooong process), and not to look for girls at a bar. Most of the time, that goes awry. He should know. He's picked hundreds of women since he was 15.
He also says that looks are overrated, and that women over 25 are more open to going out with a guy with an flawed physique such as mine. Dunno about that one. I mean, what does he know? He's looked buff ever since we were in the sixth grade.
Once the beer was filling our bellies, the bill was paid and we headed out. Till we meet again.
We talked about stuff. Bruce is one of my oldest friends (25 years) and even though our tastes differ enormously in a lot of ways, we share views in a few aspects of life. Sometimes he asks my advice (although he usually never does what I tell him to). And sometimes I do the same (but I do follow his advice).
We talked about him finally getting this big job at a corporation. He's gonna be earning about three times what I earn now. Yeah, I'm envious as heck, but nobody told me to take on the Lexcorp job anyways.
We talked about me getting back on the horse. The relationship horse, I mean. His advice was not to dispair (it's a loooong process), and not to look for girls at a bar. Most of the time, that goes awry. He should know. He's picked hundreds of women since he was 15.
He also says that looks are overrated, and that women over 25 are more open to going out with a guy with an flawed physique such as mine. Dunno about that one. I mean, what does he know? He's looked buff ever since we were in the sixth grade.
Once the beer was filling our bellies, the bill was paid and we headed out. Till we meet again.
Dear Valy:
I'm fed up with you. I bid you farewell forever. Hope you have a nice life, as long as you stay the hell away from me.
Yours truly,
-KZ
Yours truly,
-KZ
Well, that's something you don't hear everyday
Guess what a classmate told me today! He told me that when he met me, a few months back, he figured I was gay. I was surprised by his comment, but not as much as how I reacted: I was totally cool with it.
Really.
I guess several factors influenced my reaction. First of all, the guy wasn't doing it to provoke me. He was very sincere when he told me, and I could tell. Also, had the comment come from somebody else, my reaction could've been different.
So far, this incident hasn't made me become concerned about projecting a sufficiently macho image. After all, it's not like this kind of thing happens all the time. If there's one thing I'm secure of, it's my masculinity. I mean, in the past, I've worried about not being tall enough, not being cool enough, but never about not being man enough.
But hey, it happened to Chandler too.
Really.
I guess several factors influenced my reaction. First of all, the guy wasn't doing it to provoke me. He was very sincere when he told me, and I could tell. Also, had the comment come from somebody else, my reaction could've been different.
So far, this incident hasn't made me become concerned about projecting a sufficiently macho image. After all, it's not like this kind of thing happens all the time. If there's one thing I'm secure of, it's my masculinity. I mean, in the past, I've worried about not being tall enough, not being cool enough, but never about not being man enough.
But hey, it happened to Chandler too.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Life goals
I've been thinking about my goals in life. This is the list so far:
Marriage. I've been thinking about it. I really want to do it. I want to find a girl who will love me for who I am, etc. But do I really want to get married, or is it just social pressure? And just why am I in such a hurry to be wed? Sure, I'm getting older by the minute, but that's no excuse.
Kids. Whoever said I'm qualified for that? And just what kind of an example am I gonna be? How can I demand that my kids study hard when it took their old man 12 years to graduate?
Being remembered, having a legacy. That is a reasonable thing when you've led an exemplary life. My life is just an undending screw-up. At least they were funny screw ups.
Making a lot of money. No kidding, Sherlock! How much time did it take you to come up with that wonderous gem of an idea? Of course everybody wants to make money. But, guess what? It takes business savvy, talent and lots of hard work to succeed. Just to things you don't have.
- I want to learn more and improve my skills to be a more effective designer.
- I want to improve my relationships with my friends and my family.
- I want to lead a healthy life as much as possible.
- I want to help people.
- I want to get married and be a good husband
- I want to have kids and be the best father ever
- I want to be remembered
- I want to have a legacy
- I want to make a lot of money
Marriage. I've been thinking about it. I really want to do it. I want to find a girl who will love me for who I am, etc. But do I really want to get married, or is it just social pressure? And just why am I in such a hurry to be wed? Sure, I'm getting older by the minute, but that's no excuse.
Kids. Whoever said I'm qualified for that? And just what kind of an example am I gonna be? How can I demand that my kids study hard when it took their old man 12 years to graduate?
Being remembered, having a legacy. That is a reasonable thing when you've led an exemplary life. My life is just an undending screw-up. At least they were funny screw ups.
Making a lot of money. No kidding, Sherlock! How much time did it take you to come up with that wonderous gem of an idea? Of course everybody wants to make money. But, guess what? It takes business savvy, talent and lots of hard work to succeed. Just to things you don't have.
A kindred spirit
Back in 2004, writer Rachael Combe wrote an essay entitled The Guilty Bride, in which she explored her switch from a stauch feminist to a woman thrilled by the prospect of wedlock.
Before she met her fiancé, Combe couldn't imagine herself as a married woman. She only envisioned her future self as an eternal spinster. In her words, "It wasn't that I was against marriage. I was just open to the possibility that it wouldn't happen for me. I knew that for a white, educated, middle-class woman like myself, the statistical chances that I would marry were very high. But I figured that when you're playing musical chairs, someone is gonna be left without a seat when the music stops. Maybe it would be me."
Sound familiar? Of course. It's what I've been saying all year long. I keep thinking that I'll be a life-long bachelor. But this article has reminded me that it ain't over till the obese lady breaks into song.
Before she met her fiancé, Combe couldn't imagine herself as a married woman. She only envisioned her future self as an eternal spinster. In her words, "It wasn't that I was against marriage. I was just open to the possibility that it wouldn't happen for me. I knew that for a white, educated, middle-class woman like myself, the statistical chances that I would marry were very high. But I figured that when you're playing musical chairs, someone is gonna be left without a seat when the music stops. Maybe it would be me."
Sound familiar? Of course. It's what I've been saying all year long. I keep thinking that I'll be a life-long bachelor. But this article has reminded me that it ain't over till the obese lady breaks into song.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Tony knows best
I recently acquired Tony Bennett's Duets: An American Classic for my mom. She was totally thrilled when she got it, and even played it twice in its entirety that very same day.
There is something to this kind of music, I must say. After listening to it since then, I am becoming a fan too.
I have specially enjoyed "Rags to Riches":
I know I'd go from rags to riches
If you would only say you care
And though my pocket may be empty
I'd be a millionaire
Love is grand. Ain't that the truth?
There is something to this kind of music, I must say. After listening to it since then, I am becoming a fan too.
I have specially enjoyed "Rags to Riches":
I know I'd go from rags to riches
If you would only say you care
And though my pocket may be empty
I'd be a millionaire
Love is grand. Ain't that the truth?
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
What do I want in a girl?
I was having a conversation today and it got thinking about what I like in a girl. I already had stated a few criteria about it. I am currently thinking those over. Specially the age bracket.
I have two choices:
Older women (25-27) are more secure and are less inclined to look for focus on one's apperance. They also tend to focus more on where the relationship will take them. Basically, they keep asking themselves Will this man make a good husband?
Younger women (20-24) are less interested in settling down, and are more interested in having a good time, with an attractive mate by their side.
However, being neither specially attractive nor financially stable, you can easily see why I'm screwed no matter whom I choose.
I have two choices:
Older women (25-27) are more secure and are less inclined to look for focus on one's apperance. They also tend to focus more on where the relationship will take them. Basically, they keep asking themselves Will this man make a good husband?
Younger women (20-24) are less interested in settling down, and are more interested in having a good time, with an attractive mate by their side.
However, being neither specially attractive nor financially stable, you can easily see why I'm screwed no matter whom I choose.
Fonz's girl
I was talking to Jaq just now. She's my friend Fonz's girlfriend. I've mentioned her once before.
It's funny, you know? I see a lot of things in her that I would really like to find in a girl: drive to succeed, intelligence, social conscience. She also looks really good. And did I mention how nice she is? She's got the whole package.
I think by now I don't have to explain to you that I basically have a Jessie's Girl thing happening here. This is wrong, so very wrong. Talk about walking myself right into a minefield, right?
Luckily, I don't get to see her that much, so I'm good for now. If that ever changes, I'll be screwed.
It's funny, you know? I see a lot of things in her that I would really like to find in a girl: drive to succeed, intelligence, social conscience. She also looks really good. And did I mention how nice she is? She's got the whole package.
I think by now I don't have to explain to you that I basically have a Jessie's Girl thing happening here. This is wrong, so very wrong. Talk about walking myself right into a minefield, right?
Luckily, I don't get to see her that much, so I'm good for now. If that ever changes, I'll be screwed.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Let's talk about porn
In this post, we'll talk about pornography. It had to happen. I'm not surprised I ended up talking about it, just amazed that it didn't come up as a topic earlier. Relax, we'll deal with the subject matter tastefully.
I just want to talk about how funny porn can be.
First of all, porn happens in an alternate universe, where all the women are ultra horny, even more so than the men. A couple can meet for the first time and five minutes later, they're ready to do the nasty. Which they do. Several times.
Women? Horny as hell? Laughing already.
Men have monstrous beings akin to anacondas in their pants. They are always ready. Always. I can only imagine the poor fellas have to wear special clothes to fit those... things. And they can last ridiculously long times. Ten, fifteen-minute erections are nothing to the guys.
Fifteen minutes? C'mon. That's funny right there.
The positions are certainly different. In order to allow the camera to 'get in there', the players have to assume several unorthodox ways of copulation. I won't go into details, but they're pretty acrobatic. Even uncomfortable, I can imagine.
Next, a few hilarious happenings from the land of porn.
-Two words: group sex. It can happen to you. Anywhere.
-Women wearing shoes during sex. I've never quite assimilated that. It's a very kinky thing, and you see it so much that you almost expect it nowdays. However, despite the fact that that shoes make women with ugly feet look good on camera, it's still weird.
I could keep talking about porn way more than I should, but here it is, in short: porn is funny because it's totally surreal. It's a window to a world free from inhibitions and society standards. A place where logic, and intellect are subdued by passion and 'getting it on'. Where even the dorkiest, ugliest kid can be a king if he has a big shlong.
Dammit, I want to live there.
I just want to talk about how funny porn can be.
First of all, porn happens in an alternate universe, where all the women are ultra horny, even more so than the men. A couple can meet for the first time and five minutes later, they're ready to do the nasty. Which they do. Several times.
Women? Horny as hell? Laughing already.
Men have monstrous beings akin to anacondas in their pants. They are always ready. Always. I can only imagine the poor fellas have to wear special clothes to fit those... things. And they can last ridiculously long times. Ten, fifteen-minute erections are nothing to the guys.
Fifteen minutes? C'mon. That's funny right there.
The positions are certainly different. In order to allow the camera to 'get in there', the players have to assume several unorthodox ways of copulation. I won't go into details, but they're pretty acrobatic. Even uncomfortable, I can imagine.
Next, a few hilarious happenings from the land of porn.
-Two words: group sex. It can happen to you. Anywhere.
-Women wearing shoes during sex. I've never quite assimilated that. It's a very kinky thing, and you see it so much that you almost expect it nowdays. However, despite the fact that that shoes make women with ugly feet look good on camera, it's still weird.
I could keep talking about porn way more than I should, but here it is, in short: porn is funny because it's totally surreal. It's a window to a world free from inhibitions and society standards. A place where logic, and intellect are subdued by passion and 'getting it on'. Where even the dorkiest, ugliest kid can be a king if he has a big shlong.
Dammit, I want to live there.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Two important firsts
Tonight, for the first time in my life, I fell off my bed.
Also, more proof I'm becoming a metrosexual: I'm mosturizing, for crap's sake.
I'll expand on both later.
Also, more proof I'm becoming a metrosexual: I'm mosturizing, for crap's sake.
I'll expand on both later.
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