My precocious cousin

Cousin Paul never ceases to amaze me. Gone is the image of the wholesome, well-behaved young man I once believed him to be.

He drinks. Heavily.
He smokes pot. Heavily, too.
He's been sexually active since he was 15.

This last bit of information just floored me when he shared it with me last night. Damn it, I was totally unprepared for the mental image of a teenage Paul porking his 14-year-old girlfriend.

Yikes.

What's the use?

What's the use of doing anything?

That's a question I've asked myself lately.

The answer, however shifts from time to time, and is a clear indicator of the mood I'm in.

A few days ago, the answer would've been: 'None'.

But right now, I can say that doing stuff is a personal choice to change the world you live in. By writing, walking, breathing, you can influence others. How you use that influence is completely up to you!

The unbearable pain that is not having money

Since I have a new car now, I have to sell the old one. I was thinking about using the money to fund me a trip, get a new digital camera, and pay off credit card debt. But my mother's meddling has made me realize that I can't afford a trip, or a camera. Heck, I can't afford going out anymore. It's like being broke without being actually broke.

So I should just save the money I have and sit on it till I die, apparently.

Sounds like a plan.

A reversal

My granny just came into my room to ask me to tie up her shoes. She can't bend too well anymore, and she needed some help.

So as I was fastening up her straps, I thought about how many times she must've had to help me tie up my sneakers when I was a little kid.

It felt awesome.

Motherly concerns

The other day, I was talking to my mom. She thinks I should save up some money, set up a retirement fund, etc. She is thinking about my future, but it feels like she is just trying to run my life.

I can't blame her for wanting me to succeed. After all, I'm her son, and (most) parents want their children to be happy. And what could be more joyous than financial security?

Of course, it's not difficult to envision ulterior motives to her actions. Think about it: if I'm broke, how will I ever take care of her when she's an old lady? And, if I am a broke loser, no woman will ever want to hook up with me. And if no woman hooks up with me, she'll never have any grandchildren. And she really, really wants some grandkids.

You better sit down for that last one, Mom... it seems it's gonna take a while.

You Tube

Ever since I stumbled upon YouTube a while back, I've been coming back ever since. They seem to have everything in there! If it moves, people upload it. I've been checking out a couple of videoblogs by girls: lonelygirl15 and LUCYinLA. They're both very entertaining. And they're both being accused of being totally fake.

Several of the internet's brightest minds have concluded that, some giant entertainment conglomerate is behind these vlogs and they're just some crafty way to sell us stuff. They back these allegations with some 'truths' they've come up with.

Bull! I mean, look at the source. Some anonymous internet user, who's probably a zit faced 15-year-old writing from his parents' basement? Please.

And anyway, what if they were made up? I mean, I don't care. They're really fun to watch!

I got a new car. Yey

The car was totally free. It was given to me as a gift.

Normally I would be excited about this sort of thing... but (and believe me, this is a major BUT)

IT'S IVY'S CAR.

Her parents couldn't bear the idea of selling it. They insisted on giving it to me. Believe it or not, I was against it for many reasons, the main one being that it was my late fiancee's car. But they were relentless. And so, here I am, with a brand new car. And it makes me so sad, you wouldn't believe.

It's like having Ivy here, in my driveway.

It's so horrible. Not the car (it's kinda nice, actually), but the load of emotional baggage it bears in tow.

I drove that auto several times. She didn't like to drive when we were together, so I had to take the wheel even when we took her car.

Oh... God... the memories... the pain... it's EVERYWHERE.

(sigh)

Afterthought

And just HOW am I supposed to have a social life now? Driving another girl in that car is gonna be awkward, to say the very least. I'm gonna be single forever.

I saw a girl today

I was at the local TGI Friday's, waiting for a few friends to show up, and then I noticed this beautiful girl sitting nearby. She looked oddly familiar. Had I seen her before? Only after a hours of wracking my brains did I realize why she was so eerily familiar.

She looked EXACTLY like Caitlin Wachs, from ABC's Commander in Chief.
I mean, they could've been twins.



I am in love.

Very disturbing dream

My sister in law, Ally had put on gold caps on a few teeth. I asked her about it, and her eyes got wet. She kept saying stuff like 'they like they like the dog better'. The funny thing is as she was saying that, she got inside some boxes and she did seem like a puppy in a pound. It was a very intimate moment, where she opened her heart to me. A moment like we would never live in real life, of course.

Weird nonetheless.

Fooling myself

Some folks were rattled by my very drastic resolve. It's understandable: not every day does a guy come out saying he's giving up on relationships and kids for good. Unless he's about to become a priest.

Well, you guys shouldn't have bothered. Why? Because I'm full of crap.

I DO want to have a woman in my life and have kids. I daydream about having a little Kz sitting in my lap, while a loving Mrs. Kzanderall and I exchange glances and air kisses before she continues reading her favorite book.

Then, why did I come up with such a statement? Well, the resolve was created in the midst of one of the darkest depressions I've experienced in recent history. My insecurity melded with angst and self loathing.

The truth is that I am scared crapless.

I am (almost) 30 years old. In my mind, I could very well be 50. Old maid. But wait: that's not all! I also happen to have a VERY lackluster physique. I still haven't gotten my college degree. I don't have a promising career, or a an outstanding income.

With such glorious attributes, I am afraid, REALLY afraid that no woman will ever want me and I will die all alone.

So that's where my resolve came in, to turn things around. Instead of women casting me aside, I was rejecting them. Instead of realizing my DNA is unwanted, it was me choosing not to grant others the opportunity to make babies with it.

Oh, well. Back to the real world.

Finding a crowd

Nowdays, most of my friends are either getting married, having kids or a combination of the two. Of course, I'm thoroughly glad for them, but what this means for me is that it's becoming harder and harder to find somebody to hang out with.

It's not as if I am running away from my married friends, but they have a way to make a single guy like me feel banal. While I talk about going to the movies, and hanging out, they are talking about house payments and child care.

I tried hanging out with younger folk, like my cousin Paul and my niece Lannie. At the beginning, I felt younger, revitalized. But in the end, the 10 year gap proved to be way too deep. I felt... ancient. At 30, I just lack that feeling of wonder and excitement you have when you are 20 and the world is just ripe with infinite possibilities. Life is just simpler when you are young. It's not that the world becomes more complex as you grow up. You realize it bit by bit.

Too young to hang out with folks my age, and too old to hang with younger people. What a dillemma, huh?

Luckily, I still know a few folks my age who are still single and willing to par-tay.
So I'm still OK.

At least until they get married too.

Thanks, guys

You know who you are.
Thank you for your support.