Panic

Well, it's official: I've started to freak out. It's been almost four months since Ivy isn't here and I feel miserable and lonely as heck. This is when I miss Ivy the most. With her around, I was NEVER lonely. We would talk and talk till there was nothing good to talk about.

But now I feel like unloading my heart, but nobody wants to listen. Can't really blame them. Listening miserable tales for hours tends to bore anybody.

Feelin' like mopin' a lot

...hope you don't mind.

The thing is, that I've been able to cope a bit better with the fact that Ivy isn't here anymore. But it seems that every time I go to see her at the cemetery, the memories come flodding back.

Did I mention I'm going to see Ivy's final resting place every month? I started going back in January -I just couldn't get myself to go there before that. I try to go in the weekend between the 21st and the 29th of the month.

Why the 21st? Our anniversary was on the 21st of April, but Ivy and me used to celebrate every 21st we were together. And the 29th marks another month that Ivy isn't here.

The cemetery is a very calm place. Her family grave faces a beautiful garden. It helps to ease my heart, which happens to break in a million pieces every single time.

Damn, it's harsh.

I feel lonely and I wanna cry like a little boy

Actually, that sounds so good...

I'm like a wounded puppy

You know how, if you feed a little puppy, he makes you his master?
I've just realized I'm exactly like that.

I tend to develop genuine affection for any woman that is kind to me. I gotta stop confusing compassion with love.

That's why I really have to finish school so I can start going out and meeting people as soon as possible. Then I'll stop obsessing about having somebody in my life.

The trouble with finding a lady for me

I've always been inclined to think poorly of myself, specially in the ladies department. Getting a girl seems like a totally impossible feat for me. I used to blame it on the fact that I am fat, or maybe I didn't dress right. Or maybe I was too ugly to get girls.

But then, I noticed that uglier, worse dressed kids were getting girls. And no, it didn't always mean that they were loaded (although that always helps). It was a self esteem issue, plain and simple.

Other dudes didn't think of themselves as the scum of the earth, so other people didn't either. But I always seem to be thinking something along the lines of 'This shirt makes me look fat', 'I hate my hairdo', 'My beard looks like crap'. And, I mean, that shows. But I don't know how to consciously overcome it. Sometimes, in the right mindset, I am able to forget myself and achieve wonders. But those happenings are scarce.

Ivy helped me not to think about these things, because she was just the perfect woman for me. She was cute and she loved me a lot. She had flaws, as any other human being. But she fulfilled me in ways I can't even begin to describe. I was so fulfilled that I didn't have to worry about how attractive I was cause she was a living proof that I wasn't so bad. One thing I loved about being with Ivy was the fact that I would never have to date again.

But now she's gone and I'm on the dating arena once more. And it doesn't seem pretty.

Lemme clear things up

It's not that I can't get girls at all, 'cause I can. But I have a weird ability to hook-up girls in whom I have no interest whatsoever. The less I want them, the more they want me.

So why don't I just hook up with one of those?? 'Cause it's not about hooking up with anybody. Maybe it was like that at the very beginning, but nowdays I have standards, dammit. The way I see it, any girlfriend I end up having has to have at least as much qualities as Ivy did. It's setting the bar a bit high, but anything less would be a setback.

Tell me whom you're hanging with, and I'll tell you who you are

A lot of people may not want to agree on this thing I'm about to say, but here goes: Mates are status symbols. Trophies. The kind of man or woman you get says a lot about you. The hotter your mate looks, the better off you are.

Because hot-looking mates are hard to come by, it takes a really special person to nail one of them. You may be loaded, or maybe you're hot-looking yourself. Or maybe you have this amazing quality which makes you totally attractive.

Now, being neither hot-looking nor wealthy, and not having any redeeming qualities, I am screwed.

Self improvement

Now just 'cause I'm lame now doesn't mean I plan on staying lame. As soon as I get my degree (which would be some major improvement right there), I want to better myself thoroughly. I'll get dance lessons, and I'll learn Italian and German. I'll go to the gym regularly and eat right. I'll also improve my wardrobe.

Now, if I could only get a personality transplant, I'd be set!!

Blondes

Kzanderallians have an obsession with blondes. Most aspire to be one or to be with one. Me included. It wouldn't really matter, except for the fact that most people around here look like this:



Now that is a problem.

My granny and the speakerphone

I live with my grandmother. Since it's just the two of us in a two-story house built for five, frequently we have to talk out loud:

-SONNIE?
-YEAH?
-COME RIGHT DOWN, DINNER'S READY!!
-WHAT??
-DINNER'S READY!!
-OH. THANK YOU!!

Yelling is fun, but after seven years, it kind of gets tiresome. So the other day, I decided to finally buy a couple of wireless speakerphones I saw at the hardware store.



They're great. You just plug them into a wall socket and they're up and running.

Despite this apparent ease of use, I can't tell you how hard it's been to try to teach her to use the dang things.
Even though it's a very straightforward procedure (press the button to talk, release to listen), she manages to get it wrong most of the time. She forgets to push the button, or she forgets to release it. Of course, it's endearing to see her try.

Hey... guess what? I'm feeling blue again!!

Big surprise, right??

After the whole Midge fiasco, I am forced to face my loneliness once more.
And why don't I go out with some friends?? Well, I can't! I'm working on graduating this semester, remember?

But that's bull. I guess that if I really wanted to go out, I would.
I think I just feel like moping a bit.

Staying away

I've decided to finally let go of Midge. I am tired of pretending, of telling myself I will somehow break thru to her, that she will like me at some point.

I mean, Gawd... she always sits in class as far away as possible from me!
I noticed that a while ago, but I just can't ignore it anymore.

I am angry. Angry at her, because she doesn't want me.
And angry at myself, for even thinking that she could ever want to be with me.
So, enough. No more calls, no more trying to be her friend, nothing.
It's time to focus my energies elsewhere.

I should be thankful with Midge.
She is helping me graduate.

Update

Well, Midge is boyfriend-less, that is for sure.
But everything else is blurry.

She doesn't totally hate me, yet she doesn't want me getting any close to her.
The story of my life.

I had forgotten how good a woman feels

Enter Valy. I've known her for over six years now. She's a friend of my sister's. Then I found out she had a teensy bit of a crush on me, but my sister shooed that away from existence. I think she doesn't think Valy is good for me. Or maybe she doesn't want to mix friends and family. Granted, it could get messy.

For the past six years we've had a really good vibe between us. But since Ivy was around, neither of us did anything about it. But we've kept in touch. We MSN each other and I call her sometimes. and that was it.

But yesterday was different. She goes to the same gym I go to (when I actually go), but we seldom see each other 'cause of my college schedule. She asked me if I was gonna go to the gym, and I told her I was only dropping by just to say hi.

When I got there, she was really kind. Really kind. She sat me down and we talked. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her. I told her about Moonlight Mile, about my anger, and about the sadness that never seems to leave me since Ivy is gone.

Valy was really nice. She patted me on the thigh and held my hand. I thought my heart was gonna burst. Val is really cute. And she was looking at me with those gorgeous green eyes of hers.

It was a really sweet and intimate moment, like we used to have with Ivy. It felt really good.
There is definitely still a vibe there. But I'm afraid. It felt too good. I have to sort out those feelings. Is this too soon??

Plus, I should think twice before making any advances on a friend of my sister's.
It could get messy. My sister isn't too fond of her big brother eyeing her pals.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings

Ready for another chapter in the Midge saga?? Yeah, I wasn't expecting one either.
After my sister told me on Saturday that Midge was spoken for, I was totally miserable but ultimately decided to stay away and go on with my life.

But then, yesterday happened. We were in class and Midge was late. I was trying to pretend like I didn't care she wasn't around. Then she arrived in a rush, her vains popping out of her forehead like they do whenever she has to run somewhere.

Then, the teacher smiled and said, "You know what, I'm gonna have to talk to that boyfriend of yours so that he lets you come in on time."

Midge smiled back and said, "I wish it were as easy as that, but there isn't any boyfriend right now!"

I don't really remember much of what the teacher said afterwards. I guess I was too busy trying not to show how happy those little words had made me.

But wait, there's more

I thought everything was back to what it used to be... but no.

I was having one of my meditative moments, when Midge came by and punched me on the arm while she said something like, "Hey, why the long face?".

I was flabbergasted. She had NEVER touched me before. All I could think was that line from the Will Smith movie, Hitch: "If a woman hits you, that's a good thing." And she did it like three times. And she went up and talked to me about the Infinite SummerBlast, and how she's going to next Saturday's bash (which I was planning to attend)

And... AND... after class was over and I dropped her off at her parking lot, she sat shotgun!! She had never sat shotgun before. I'm not saying it was a deliberate thing, but it happened and that's what I'm focusing on.

So, last night I was driving on cloud nine all the way home.

Death of a phone

I was talking to my sister and my phone fell on my toenail.
Have you any idea of how painful that can be?

Well, I wish I could tell you what happened next, but I can't.
I think I had a blind-rage episode, can't really say.

Last thing I remember was a furious pain climbing thru my nervous system, reaching my cerebelum. Then, blank.

When I came to, I had a million pieces of green plastic in front of me.
Then I started having brief flashes of myself shouting obscenities and smashing my phone to bits.

So now I need to get me a new phone. But man, smashing the old one felt good!

Comments: the switch

I finally decided to switch from Haloscan's to Blogger's comment feature. I liked a lot of things about Haloscan's comments, except for the fact that you have to pay $15 for them. If you don't pay, any comment older than 4 months will be hidden and you won't be able to see them till you hand over the cash.

Despicable.

However, I'm thinking about shelling out the cash anyway, so I can reactivate my Haloscan comments and then rewrite them over at Blogger. It'll be expensive and boring, but dammit, I owe it to my fans.

Yes, the two of you.

Movie of the week

Have you seen it?

Moonlight Mile is the story of a guy -Joe- whose fiance dies a little while before the wedding, and about his relationship with his parents-in-law, the Floss's.

It was really moving, for it explored a lot of themes I've experienced firsthand as of late:

• How a person's sudden death can leave behind a gaping abyss in so many different lives at the very same time.
• How everything, EVERYTHING reminds you of her.
• How people find themselves with nothing to say but clichés to you to help ease your burden.
• How pathetic it is to be the guy with the dead fiancé.
  
• How your in-laws pleed with you not to fade away, not to dissappear from their lives, since you are the only thing they have left of their daughter.
• How you love them, and how you want to give them whatever they ask of you, even if it happens to be an emotionally excruciating task.
• How guilty you feel to actually start looking again for somebody to fill up your heart. Guilty, because you feel like you are erasing your last love from your life after all she did for you.

But Moonlight Mile ends on a positive note. Joe finds Bertie, a kindred spirit, and they head together towards the horizon.

So there you have it. All I have to do is find my Bertie and I'll be set.

Whoops

Me and my sister were having breakfast yesterday, and we started talking about people we know in school. Guess what? She knows Midge. My Midge.
And guess what else?? She has a boyfriend!!

Heartbreak Hotel

Well, it's not like we didn't suspect it, right?

I had all the clues in front of me, I just didn't want to see them.
Her aloofness now makes sense: she was trying to avoid giving me the wrong idea.
Her constant cell phone use.

It's a big pill to swallow, you know. But it will go down eventually.
It just feels stuck in my windpipe, that's all.

A walk on the clouds

Yesterday was just golden.

I had to go to my college campus to deliver an important homework. I had to start by looking up the class where my teacher was gonna be at. When I did, I handed her my homework, but then I noticed she and her class were discussing analogies and metaphors, which is a topic I felt I needed a boost on. So I asked permission to stay and listen in.

Anyway, as I was there sitting in class, I got a call... from Midge! I don't need to tell you how much did my blood pressure shoot up right there and then. The reason she was calling: she had to hand over the exact same assignment, so she needed to know in which class our teacher was. So I told her, and after a while, she showed up.

What ensued was what I like to call 'quality time'. No, it wasn't romantic, or anything like that. She just sat next to me and we chatted for a while as we waited for our teacher to take a break from her class so Midge could hand her the homework.

Guys like me, we don't get girls based on our looks, so we have to grow on people over time. But time is what we usually don't have. When we are in class, I don't get to talk to Midge a lot, cause the teacher gets pissed if we don't pay attention. And after our class is over, she just heads right home. But now, there she was, all by herself, no interruptions at hand. So we talked a bit. I didn't even try to flirt, because of her uncertain social status (single? commited? ). I just tried to obtain general info, and let her talk a lot while I listened.

After she had turned in her paper, I decided to walk her to her car. I pretended to have parked in the same parking lot that she had, just so I could walk along her side a while longer. It was about eight extra blocks of walking for me, but you don't care about hardships like these when you are infatuated.

Einstein is right. Time is relative. I remember savoring every second of that walk. But, all things come to an end. As I headed back to where my car was actually parked, I remember thinking -for the first time in a while- that my life could really turn out nice.

It's official: I have a crush

I am beginning to see puffy clouds and cherubs whenever Midge appears.
I am so royally screwed...

At least she allows me to give her a ride to her parking lot after class more often.

I'm a wuss

Big surprise, right? Anyway, lemme tell you why I mean what I say.

I decided to take Midge out to a thing called the Infinite SummerBlast, a one day music festival organized by a local radio station this very weekend. It's supposed to be mondo cool, with 12 hours of music and stuff, even a polo match(?). So last Saturday I got myself a couple of tickets and started gathering up the nerve to ask her out.

Since I am in the habit of complicating things, I started coming up with schemes to minimize possible rejection. I thought of giving her one ticket, then go by myself and just "casually bump" into her.

Now, here's what I actually did: Yesterday, I started telling Midge about these tickets I had for the Infinite SummerBlast, and how I wasn't gonna use them 'cause my mom had decided to have a day-long birthday party. So I asked if she wanted the tickets and gave them to her.

Dunno, it may sound like a really stupid thing to do, but I hope she will have a great time, and then she'll be really thankful towards the swell guy who made it all happen. Right?

Didn't think so either.

Can I tell you a secret?

I like somebody.

Her name is Midge. She's in my same class.
I think I have a crush on her.

Yeah, I know. It's too soon.

But I like to think this is a therapeutic kind of love. Allow me to explain.

After Ivy passed away, my fragile male ego sustained a big loss in the validation department. My little girl was always comfirming me as a valuable man. Even if she did nothing, she was living proof that I was worth something. I mean, if I had a girlfriend, I couldn't be that bad, right?

Since her departure, part of me has been looking for a girl that will validate me once again. It can't be just anybody.

Then, I met Midge. She is small, slender and cute. Just like I like them. Some stuff about her reminds me of Ivy, but in general, this kid is a whole new ballgame. She is spunky and a lot more extroverted than Ivy. Plus, she is a bit more scruffy-looking than Ivy.

So far so good, right? But a part of me tells me it ain't gonna happen.

I mean, she is nice and everything, but I don't see a real connection happening. She is kind of guarded and protective. I suspect this is due to the fact that she may have a boyfriend. I don't know for sure, cause I have no idea how to bring it up without sounding like I'm totally interested.

But even if nothing will ever happen between us, she is very important to me. Not because she is actually interested in me, but because she could be. It's the possibility of love which I treasure.

In her own way, Midge is helping me by taking my mind off Ivy for a while. And that's a big help.