Kzanderallia, Love It!!

There is a new movement in Kzanderallia, called Kzanderallia, Love It!. I believe it will do Kzanderallia a lot of good. One of this country's problems is the lack of nationalism in its citizens. Of course, there are plenty of reasons that we are that way. But it's about time to turn things around!!

This festival got started last Wednesday 25th, and it rained. Hope it's not an omen.

Crush

My first crush?? Can't say for sure.
But the one crush I remember most was my infatuation with Rose.

She was a really pretty girl, albeit a bit skinny and tomboyish. She was nice, but aloof... specially with me. Wouldn't you be with a kid that drools all over you??

Years of experience have taught me that adoration and obsession are two ways to get a girl turned off right away. But this was before that. I had no clue what to do, other than stare at her all day and make clumsy attempts at conversation.

My crush ended one Prom Night, when I gathered the nerve to walk up to her and ask her to dance. She looked at me and blurted out in a condescending tone, "I'm sorry, you're just too short!" It was true. She was a full 2 inches taller than me.

I'd love to tell you that this remark didn't scar me for life, but I guess it did. It would explain why now I look for girls who are obviously shorter than me. Even with high heels on.

Video wacko

We are officially nuts.

My little sis and I went to the video store and rented SEVEN flicks!! (Two for her, five for me):

And they're all due on Tuesday!!
I dunno about you, but I got my week full.

I really, REALLY love my in-laws

I went to the gym today. I never take my phone with me, 'cause I hate having to lug things around while I'm in there. Well, when I got to the car, I saw about nine lost calls! They were from my mother-in-law, who wanted to invite me to join them for breakfast.

I had a really fun time. I love seeing Ivy's family. And they seem to love me back. It's so nice!
Nothing can replace Ivy, but this sure helps.

Eye of the beholder

A girl I know has an online photo gallery. She has photos in there dating back to her early childhood. As you check out the album, you get to see her and her friends grow up right before your very eyes. It's nothing out of the extraordinary: you see friends goofing off, having a good time. You see her first car (which she totalled a while later), new hairdos, prom dresses...it's stuff that everybody has gone thru at one time or the other.

She has a new man in her life, so most of the new stuff is devoted to him. (Lucky guy).

Ah... to be young and in love!!

Movie night!

I wanted to see Wedding Crashers ever since I heard about it. Despite the fact that the DVD is already available in the US, it just premiered in theaters over here. (That's Kzanderallia for you).

So, I went to see it and it was great. Got to laugh like crazy at Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn's wacky antics. And I got to see my favorite star, miss Rachel McAdams. Isn't she gorgeous??

Now, on a more personal note...

Anyway, while it might seem masochistic of me to go out and see films about weddings right now, it was really good. I had a good laugh (many, actually) and I had an opportunity to see some of the things I lived thru from a different perspective. Just as in the movie, my former father-in-law is a big man here in Kz-land. And his family, -God bless them- is totally whacked. But dammit, I love them all.

I wanna die

Really. After having a great big ol' cry last night, I was feeling kinda refreshed... but, around 8:30 AM, I realized that today, Ivy and I would've celebrated our 57th month together. Yeah, we used to celebrate every month we were together. We called them 'Monthiversaries'. Every 21st we used to exchange cards and go out and have a good time. We did it every time, except on the 55th, cause she was ill and everything, and our minds were busy on getting her to feel better. She was gone about a week later.

I miss her. God, I really do. I feel this emptyness in my heart, which just doesn't go away. I have nobody to confide in. I mean, who would ever want to hear this? So when people ask me how i feel, I just say, 'I'm fine, more or less.' But the truth is that I am lonely, and sad.

Move on?

Everybody wants me to be able to turn the page. But what is it, exactly, to turn the page? Meeting somebody else? Having a new girlfriend? Getting married?? Having kids??

It all sounds wonderful, but here's the thing: I am not a good man. I am, in fact, despicable. I am nothing but an inmense collection of bad habits, awful personality traits and a terrible temper to boot. I am messy, and disorganized. I am fat and hideous. I am over-anxious and stupid. Selfish and lazy. Weak and disgusting. Quite a catch.

Even I wouldn't want to hang out with myself. How can I ask some poor girl to? How can I in good faith ask somebody else to be with me?

I won't. I can't condemmn another woman to this hell. I will spare them all. Never again shall I ruin somebody else's life by asking them to be with me. Most women have good sense and turn their backs on me. But, there are still some unfortunate souls that don't know better and that have the terrible idea that I could be a good boyfriend, a good husband.
I must show them the error of their ways and put them on the right path: away from me.

And yet...

Instants after deciding that no woman in the world should be forced to suffer my companionship, I find myself thinking how good it would be to have somebody else in my life. Didn't I say I was stupid??

I guess I should clear this up a bit. It's not that I DON'T WANT TO have somebody else to fill my days with love and tenderness. Having somebody in your life is the greatest thing one could ever have. But I no longer have the right to fulfill my wishes. You are entitled to ask for good things only if you are a worthy person. I am not.

Women deserve better

They deserve a good man. A hard worker. Somebody who is strong and wise. Somebody filled with energy and courage. Somebody who will help you out.

What can I offer?? I am none of those things. Sometimes I feel that I am made up from leftovers.

I feel like a waste. I feel that the time, love and money invested in me were for not. I am an incomplete and useless being.

I should live the rest of my days giving happiness to others. I will be a great friend, a good man to talk to. I will listen to others and help them in whatever way I can.

But I will not look for anybody else. I will not allow anything remotely like a relationship to happen ever again.

Robo-Kz

Lately, it feels as if my life is in auto-drive, living itself on its own, without me having to intervene at all. It's like I'm watching a tv show called Kz's Life. There just aren't any ads, and it will only end when I leave this planet.

Oh, but let me tell you about the pain. It's glorious, I assure you. Not having Ivy in my life has left me completely empty. I have no reason to go on anymore.

Trust me, I'm not suicidal

Saying that I have no reason to go on anymore freaks people out. They think I'm gonna off myself at some point.
But no.

Let me say right up that as a Catholic, I have a very healthy fear of Hell, and that's precisely where suicides go.
So I can't do it.

But the fact that I lack the nerve to kill myself doesn't mean I don't ever think about it. In fact, while I was an angst-ridden teen a few years back, I used to think about suicide all the time. All the friggin time. Of course, I told no one. It's like asking to be commited. I remember thinking that I didn't want my body scarred or mutilated, so I couldn't jump from a window or shoot myself. That meant I'd have to overdose. But... there's always the chance of a coma...

It was stupid, actually. Even back then, I knew I would never have the nerve to whack myself. Still, I obsessed about it. I thought how it would end all my suffering, my sadness, my loneliness. I imagined everybody at school being sorry that they hadn't treated me better. Isn't that the most stupid thing ever?? Like they would care.

That's the thing about suicide. It doesn't teach your foes a lesson. It only hurts the ones that care about you. And it solves nothing. Plus, it's a waste.

Why I say I have no reason for living

For almost five years, Ivy was everything to me. She was everywhere. She used to call me six o seven times a day. I was at her house about two hours each day, and almost six on weekdays.

She was the reason I wanted to get up in the morning. She was the reason I wanted to be somebody. She was the reason I wanted to be a husband and a father.

Now she is gone. What am I supposed to do now?
Dying isn't an option. So I guess I have to live until God wants me to die.
What will I do till then... that's the question.

Back 2 school!!

After a really long break, I've gone back to school. This time, I'm determined to get my degree in Design at last.

The class

To graduate, I have to take this course called Portfolio. It's a very special kind of class, because it's actually three classes in one. On Mondays, we see Design Investigation (investigate a design issue), on Wednesdays we see Design Strategy (we develop a design project), and on Thursdays we take Portfolio Construction (we build our personal work portfolio). Each class starts at 17:30 and ends around 20:00.

The classmates

I'm in the special group. We are 'special', 'cause each of us has really special needs. Some have taken the course before and failed. Others haven't been in school for more than four years.
A bunch of misfits are we.
Karola: Mother of three. Her stranged husband tried to take away their kids.
Yulissa: Mother of two. She is really funny and lives a block away from campus so she walks to class.
Midge: Her tiny frame gives her the appearance of a 18-year-old, when she is actually 29. She's taken the course before and has to take every single class again (just like me).
Joey: A total goofball. We love him. He only comes on Wednesdays.
Georgy: He only has to come in on Mondays. He usually brings his exhuberant girlfriend along. That girl's got her man on a short leash.
We are a really nice group, in all.

Schedule rearrangements

I had to consider dropping one of my two jobs (either the one at Lexcorp or the one at Culture Publishing House) in order to have time to do all the class assignments.
Right now I managed to strike a deal with CPH and they're allowing me to show up only twice a week as long as I do everything they throw at me.
We'll see if this arrangement works out.

Classware

I decided not to skip any expenses and without further ado, I went to the store and got myself about all school supplies I could think of: notebooks, tape dispensers, staplers, bookbags, the works. I hope that it's worth it. All I know is that school-supply shopping is always fun.

Coping

What should I be feeling? How should I channel my pain? What should I do with my life?
First of all, 'should' is a clumsy word to use. I don't believe there is a way to grieve. I can look at how other people have faced similar (or worse) pain, but their actions are their own. I have to choose my own path.

How do I feel?

First of all, I think that my mind is in deep denial at the time. I tell myself that it is going to be alright. I tell myself that I will be happy again. But I'm actually not so sure. Two things stand in my way: guilt and fear.

Guilt over the bad things I said and did while Ivy was alive. I never cheated on her, but we had fights, ugly ones. I was tardy, I was messy. I ate too much. Everything I said to her then now feels like a screw driving itself into my heart, a twist at a time.

Fear is a big part of my life now. Fear of being alone forever. Of course, I have friends, I have a family. They support me. That, in itself, is a blessing. But it's just not the same as the love of a woman. And each passing day I convince myself a bit more that Ivy was a fluke. Maybe I'm too ugly. Maybe I'm too fat. So far, these are workable areas. But, what if I'm the problem, you know? What I'm just too stupid, too dumb? What if I don't deserve to be with anybody?

How do I channel my pain?

I haven't. Not really. I wish I could say that I've been working on my masterpiece, which will blow everyone away. But that is not the case. So far, I've been letting my life go on just the same as it was before. I get up, get dressed, have breakfast, go to work. I eat. I sleep. I let routine drive me as much as it can. Still, I am left with huge gaps in my day, gaps SHE used to fill.

What should I do with my life?

I have no idea what is to become of me. The future is cloudy right now. I have a hard time thinking up a reason to keep going. No, I'm not suicidal. What I mean is that I have no purpose anymore. I was going to be married this year. Live with Ivy. Have kids. All my goals were wiped clean. Why should I go on living?

I have to work on an answer to that.

Uncle Sam REALLY, REALLY wants you

A few days ago, while on vacation in Las Vegas, an Army recruiter approached my cousin Paul and asked him if he wanted to sign up. My cousin politely told them he wasn't interested.
The Army guy offered helping him get into a good college.
My cuz told him he already was into a good college... back home... in Kzanderallia.
Army Guy wasn't deterred.
-"You aren't American? No prob! We can help you with that!!"

I guess things aren't going so well in Iraq as some had hoped.
Maybe the Army should look into robot armies, or cloning.
Or maybe not starting wars just for the sake of it.
Whaddaya think?

Happy New Year!!

May it not be as lousy as the last two.