Just yesterday, I felt like I was at the top of my game, but now, I feel at the very bottom of the pile. I feel angry, frustrated, depressed… It always starts with the fact that I have to face Addie every single day. Just her presence is an unyielding reminder of the rejection she subjected me to. I always wonder why did she turn me down. My mind needs answers but it gets none. And so it comes up with its own answers. And the usual answer is: I’m just too ugly, untalented, stupid, weak and/or poor for her. Or maybe my personality rubs her the wrong way. The vagueness is unnerving, but what can you do? But seldom does one get straight answers in such delicate matters. In the end, maybe it’s better not to know.
Rejection is a part of life. Thinking that everybody will like you is unrealistic. The problem is that before I realize it, I’m extrapolating one personal choice and making it a universal female characteristic. In other words, just because Addie said no, that means every single woman I ask will say the same thing. And of course, that gets me quite depressed.
Most of the time, I’m just kind of unsure that I will ever find anybody willing to love me. But when I’m in a downer like now, I’m no longer unsure: I’m deeply convinced that I’m never gonna find anybody. Telling myself that there’s tons of women out there doesn’t really help right now, because I have already developed a counter argument to that: There may be lots and lots of women out there, but there’s also lots and lots of men out there. Men who are smarter, stronger, wealthier, more talented and more handsome than me. And those guys will get first dibs on the women.
I’ll be lucky if they leave something for the rest of us. Man, that's depressing.
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