Oh, but let me tell you about the pain. It's glorious, I assure you. Not having Ivy in my life has left me completely empty. I have no reason to go on anymore.
Trust me, I'm not suicidal
Saying that I have no reason to go on anymore freaks people out. They think I'm gonna off myself at some point.
But no.
Let me say right up that as a Catholic, I have a very healthy fear of Hell, and that's precisely where suicides go.
So I can't do it.
But the fact that I lack the nerve to kill myself doesn't mean I don't ever think about it. In fact, while I was an angst-ridden teen a few years back, I used to think about suicide all the time. All the friggin time. Of course, I told no one. It's like asking to be commited. I remember thinking that I didn't want my body scarred or mutilated, so I couldn't jump from a window or shoot myself. That meant I'd have to overdose. But... there's always the chance of a coma...
It was stupid, actually. Even back then, I knew I would never have the nerve to whack myself. Still, I obsessed about it. I thought how it would end all my suffering, my sadness, my loneliness. I imagined everybody at school being sorry that they hadn't treated me better. Isn't that the most stupid thing ever?? Like they would care.
That's the thing about suicide. It doesn't teach your foes a lesson. It only hurts the ones that care about you. And it solves nothing. Plus, it's a waste.
Why I say I have no reason for living
For almost five years, Ivy was everything to me. She was everywhere. She used to call me six o seven times a day. I was at her house about two hours each day, and almost six on weekdays.
She was the reason I wanted to get up in the morning. She was the reason I wanted to be somebody. She was the reason I wanted to be a husband and a father.
Now she is gone. What am I supposed to do now?
Dying isn't an option. So I guess I have to live until God wants me to die.
What will I do till then... that's the question.
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