First of all, 'should' is a clumsy word to use. I don't believe there is a way to grieve. I can look at how other people have faced similar (or worse) pain, but their actions are their own. I have to choose my own path.
How do I feel?
First of all, I think that my mind is in deep denial at the time. I tell myself that it is going to be alright. I tell myself that I will be happy again. But I'm actually not so sure. Two things stand in my way: guilt and fear.
Guilt over the bad things I said and did while Ivy was alive. I never cheated on her, but we had fights, ugly ones. I was tardy, I was messy. I ate too much. Everything I said to her then now feels like a screw driving itself into my heart, a twist at a time.
Fear is a big part of my life now. Fear of being alone forever. Of course, I have friends, I have a family. They support me. That, in itself, is a blessing. But it's just not the same as the love of a woman. And each passing day I convince myself a bit more that Ivy was a fluke. Maybe I'm too ugly. Maybe I'm too fat. So far, these are workable areas. But, what if I'm the problem, you know? What I'm just too stupid, too dumb? What if I don't deserve to be with anybody?
How do I channel my pain?
I haven't. Not really. I wish I could say that I've been working on my masterpiece, which will blow everyone away. But that is not the case. So far, I've been letting my life go on just the same as it was before. I get up, get dressed, have breakfast, go to work. I eat. I sleep. I let routine drive me as much as it can. Still, I am left with huge gaps in my day, gaps SHE used to fill.
What should I do with my life?
I have no idea what is to become of me. The future is cloudy right now. I have a hard time thinking up a reason to keep going. No, I'm not suicidal. What I mean is that I have no purpose anymore. I was going to be married this year. Live with Ivy. Have kids. All my goals were wiped clean. Why should I go on living?
I have to work on an answer to that.
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