I wanna die

Really. After having a great big ol' cry last night, I was feeling kinda refreshed... but, around 8:30 AM, I realized that today, Ivy and I would've celebrated our 57th month together. Yeah, we used to celebrate every month we were together. We called them 'Monthiversaries'. Every 21st we used to exchange cards and go out and have a good time. We did it every time, except on the 55th, cause she was ill and everything, and our minds were busy on getting her to feel better. She was gone about a week later.

I miss her. God, I really do. I feel this emptyness in my heart, which just doesn't go away. I have nobody to confide in. I mean, who would ever want to hear this? So when people ask me how i feel, I just say, 'I'm fine, more or less.' But the truth is that I am lonely, and sad.

Move on?

Everybody wants me to be able to turn the page. But what is it, exactly, to turn the page? Meeting somebody else? Having a new girlfriend? Getting married?? Having kids??

It all sounds wonderful, but here's the thing: I am not a good man. I am, in fact, despicable. I am nothing but an inmense collection of bad habits, awful personality traits and a terrible temper to boot. I am messy, and disorganized. I am fat and hideous. I am over-anxious and stupid. Selfish and lazy. Weak and disgusting. Quite a catch.

Even I wouldn't want to hang out with myself. How can I ask some poor girl to? How can I in good faith ask somebody else to be with me?

I won't. I can't condemmn another woman to this hell. I will spare them all. Never again shall I ruin somebody else's life by asking them to be with me. Most women have good sense and turn their backs on me. But, there are still some unfortunate souls that don't know better and that have the terrible idea that I could be a good boyfriend, a good husband.
I must show them the error of their ways and put them on the right path: away from me.

And yet...

Instants after deciding that no woman in the world should be forced to suffer my companionship, I find myself thinking how good it would be to have somebody else in my life. Didn't I say I was stupid??

I guess I should clear this up a bit. It's not that I DON'T WANT TO have somebody else to fill my days with love and tenderness. Having somebody in your life is the greatest thing one could ever have. But I no longer have the right to fulfill my wishes. You are entitled to ask for good things only if you are a worthy person. I am not.

Women deserve better

They deserve a good man. A hard worker. Somebody who is strong and wise. Somebody filled with energy and courage. Somebody who will help you out.

What can I offer?? I am none of those things. Sometimes I feel that I am made up from leftovers.

I feel like a waste. I feel that the time, love and money invested in me were for not. I am an incomplete and useless being.

I should live the rest of my days giving happiness to others. I will be a great friend, a good man to talk to. I will listen to others and help them in whatever way I can.

But I will not look for anybody else. I will not allow anything remotely like a relationship to happen ever again.