A resolve

I went to see Ivy today. As I was there, I started thinking, about life, about love. And then I realized that I need to stop thinking about getting a relationship again. In fact, I have vowed to stay single for the rest of my life.

I will never ask another woman to marry me. I don't deserve beautiful things like marriage. I don't have the qualities to be a good husband: I lack the inner strength, I lack the resolve, I don't have wisdom. I am nothing but a moronic, good-for-nothing jerk. And scum like me doesn't have the right to a wife.

No dating, either. From now on, I will only have friends. I will be nice, I will behave, and I will do whatever is in my power to help my fellow man. But I won't ever attempt to have any sort of relationship with a girl ever again.

And of course, no kids. Yesterday, I was at my friend Jujo's place the other day. I watched as tiny, precious human being got his diapers changed. Then I got to see him being fed. He was so delicate! They wanted me to hold him, but I totally refused. I'm too clumsy to ever hold a baby!!

But Jujo was a pro. He was a total dad: commited, helpful, caring.

That's when I realized I will never be a good dad. Such a responsibility! I mean, getting a baby is not like getting a dog, or like buying an iPod. It's a human being! It's not only about keeping him fed and happy. It's about putting some values into the kid, making him a good person, a solid citizen.

I can't do that. I don't have the patience. I am messy and disorganized. I can't be in charge of a baby! Plus, it's not as if I have some legacy to instill on a kid.

In short, I will not date, will not marry, and will not procreate.
I think the world should thank me.

Eight months

I still miss you, Ivy.

If you loathe KZ, raise your hand!

Many folks may not enjoy my company, but NOBODY can hate me more than I do. When I'm in such a state of mind, it's very hard for me to think up something positive to say about myself. I hate my tastes, my actions, the way I do things. I hate not being able to do so much... and what I CAN do, I despise.

Some poor folks have encountered me when I'm in this awful state. They've done their darnedest to get me to feel better about myself. But they just cannot. It's like being in a long dark tunnel. Only there's no light at either end. Eventually, I move out of it. Something happens that distracts me long enough to stop thinking about myself.

Right now, I'm waiting for such an event to happen.

You guessed it, I'm self-loathing right now.

What triggered it??

If I had to choose, I'd say it was seeing my cousin.

Paul has all the stuff I wish I did: good looks, self-confidence, lots of friends, money, youth. Next to him, I feel like a burned-out husk of a man.

I'm ten years older than he is. Am I in a better place than he is? No.
In several aspects, I'm way worse. Sure, sure... I've got experience. Supposedly. But do I really??

And as if all of that wasn't enough

I went out to the best part of town to do some errands. I deeply regret doing that. Every time I go there, I see nothing but young, wealthy people with incredible looks. And I feel even more inadecuate than I usually do.

In short...

These are some of the moments when life is really not worth living.

Cerati & me

At a later time, I will write about my infatuation with Gustavo Cerati's music. For now, this will be a placeholder.

Jujo is a dad

My friend Jujo and his wife Sandra became parents today.
The kid weighed 8.4 pounds.
Congrats!!

My sister got operated

My sister Abby ended her rounds of pre-op chemo and got operated. Hopefully, everything was removed at last and she will lead a normal life... after the final post-op chemo is over.

Guilty pleasures

I went to see Superman Returns today. And I am guilty as hell about it. Why? Because I was supposed to go see it with my sister Abby.

It's not as if I didn't try. We were supposed to go last weekend. Then Saturday. We ended up going today... but it was totally sold out.

So we didn't see it.

Later today, I found myself at the local mall... and I noticed that Superman Returns was about to start in two minutes!! I made some very cold calculations.

My sister's surgery is gonna happen this week. She is not likely to be able to go see Superman onscreen for a while. So it was either now or wait a month for her to heal.

The movie experience, therefore, was sprinkled with guilt.

I am fat

This will come as a surprise to very few: I'm overweight.

And dammit, I hate it.

My clothes don't fit, I have difficulty moving as I used to. And of course, there's the health and aesthetic issues.

Why am I fat? Cause I overeat.
Why do I overeat? That's more complex to explain. I would say that it's a mix of little self-control, lots of self-hatred, and a bit of angst.

Being fat would be no problem if I were taller, if I were loaded with cash or if I was a powerful or famous man. But no dice.

This will offend some people, but being fat is not a bonus.

I spend hours staring at my deformed body. I look at the bulge in my abdomen and realize that I am staring my destruction in the face. Being fat will kill me. Even if I manage to shed all the excess weight off, it's very likely that there's heavy damage to my digestive, nervous and circulatory systems. Still, I have to do it, even if only to fit into my old jeans again.

Denial is a horrible thing. I kept thinking that I could eat all I wanted for as long as I wanted and people wouldn't care how I look. But they do. Not only am I no longer pleasing to look at, but I am starting to repulse folks. That is not a good thing.

I wasn't all that skinny to begin with. But at least I wasn't as chubby as I am now. I haven't seen any cheekbones in years. They are covered in layers of fatty tissue, just like the rest of my body.

This must end. Now.

The road begins

The road to betterness begins now.
Exhausting as crap, lemme tell you.