Everybody needs one

I have a few special friends. When I say 'special', I mean to say that they're like no other people I know. Really.

Take Louie, for instance. He has the mind of a child. Think Forrest Gump. He is a 30 year old man with the mind of a 14 year old. While most men are accused of being exactly like that, Louie REALLY IS that way. He is truly fascinated by decals, buttons and all sorts of toys. He loves cartoons and trucks. He is totally impulsive and wild, always full of energy and joy.

He is not wise, nor vane. He doesn't know what double entendres are. But that guy loves people fully. He is so quirky, he always cheers me up even when I'm totally down. He lights up my darkest days.

I love that wacky guy. I dunno what I'd do without him.

Could I get a hug?

Have I told you about this?

I've been reduced to ask people to hug me and hold me for a few minutes.
I feel so, so pathetic.

Six months

It's been six months since Ivy went away.
I still haven't forgotten you, my sweet.

Don't do it

Have you ever sneezed into a fan?
Bad idea. Unless you love your face covered in a yucky mist.

Could I possibly had gotten it wrong?

I kissed a girl for the first time at 23. I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 24.

Talk about lame, right? I can trace it all back when my friends starting going out with chicks at 14. We started going out to parties. But while everybody managed to get women to dance with them, and managed to get phone numbers galore, I always came up with zilch.

It feels as if I went to the same party over and over.

When I arrived, I'd ask a few girls if they wanted to dance. Some actually did. But then, I wouldn't know what to say to them. When I did manage to muster up the courage to say something, the music would drown it out. So it was just me and her, standing in the dance floor, dancing and not talking. So awkward. Then the song would end and each would go our own separate ways.

But as boring and frustrating as that was, it was less pathetic and soul-deadening than just sitting at a table all by myself, staring at a glass of Coke and pretending not to be the most miserable guy there. It was just so depressing. I would sit there and supposedly scan the dancefloor for girls to dance with. Actually I was looking for girls who wouldn't turn me down so harshly. Because they did. Hundreds of times.

I guess that's when my self-confidence got crushed to a pulp. Oh, and the self-loathing? It began about there too.

Looking back, it doesn't make sense. If I was so miserable, why didn't I just stop going to parties? Maybe 'cause I sensed that staying at home all the time was gonna be even worse.

My friends look back fondly on those times. But to me, it was akin to having my skin pulled from my body with tweezers.

Say it with music

Isn't it funny how you sometimes stumble upon a song that says EXACTLY how you feel?
And it usually is the song you least expect. Like some 80's power ballad:

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I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when Im older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

(I Want To Know What Love Is, Foreigner)
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It's like they're talking about me! Only they're not. But it feels as if they were.

I wonder, I wonder...

I wonder, I wonder... was Ivy the only girl for me? Or is there somebody else out there? If so, where is she right now? Do I know her already? Do I still have to meet her? What does she look like? How old is she? Will she meet my silly profile? Or will she be totally opposite? How long will I have to wait till we become an item? Will it be a whirlwind romance? Will it be step-by-step?

I wonder, I wonder... will I ever get married? Will I ever manage to convince another woman that I'm right for her? That joining her life with mine will be for the best?

I wonder, I wonder... will I ever be a dad? If so, how long till I hold my first newborn in my arms? Will I be a good dad?

So many questions... nothing to do but wait for the answers to come on their own.

Up against the clock

I remember when Ivy would say that she was an old woman... at 26. I used to laugh out loud. I told her that as long as she got married before she was 29, everything would be OK.

Now I'm about to turn 30 and I suddenly feel... anxious. I feel old. I feel that my life is almost over, and that I have wasted it fully. It feels like it's too late to do anything. Too late to graduate, to late to get a good job, too late to learn German, to start snowboarding, etc.

But the thing is, whenever I tell people how I feel, they come back with something like 'you got your whole life ahead of you', and 'you're still young'. Maybe I asking my 83-year-old granny is not a good idea.

I just thought of this

My dad died at 65. I am almost 30 now. If I can expect to have about the same lifespan, that means I have reached the middle of my life! So then this is nothing more than a mid-life crisis!! Aw, that makes so much sense. I feel a lot better now.

Got the blues

I am at a point where nothing feels right. I am in the most ego-centric state ever. Right now, all I can see is a wall in front of me. Ok, that's a bad metaphor, since I DO have a wall in front of me as I type this. But you get my drift.

I know I should move forward. I know it. But still...

Take my birthday, for instance. In November, I'm turning 30. The big 3-0. That's a big deal, right??

I used to get excited about it. Nowdays it's just depressing.

See, I am reaching an age where most people have a degree, a wife, and a big-ass job with a promising future.

What do I have? None of the above.

You know my girl troubles. We can skip that for now.

I am STILL striving to get my degree. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to dump so much time and money into it. I guess I only do it because it would be foolish to drop it when I'm so freaking close. Plus, it would make my family really happy if I had a diploma. But this whole thing is making me feel really down. You see, even if I graduated RIGHT NOW, this very instant, I am SIX years overdue. Every single one of my peers has graduated.

Now you can say that it doesn't matter, that it isn't a horserace. But let's be honest. Which one would you hire: a designer who finished his career in 5 years, or one who finished his in 11??

Let's forget about that for a minute. Let's see where I am right now. I hold two jobs, none of which pay enough, and none of them are really stimulating . At least I'm working as a designer. But where is that taking me? None of my jobs has any chance for improvement. No raises, nothing. As long as I'm working there, I will remain earning and doing the same. Some call that stability and security. I call that utter boredom and creative death.

Now, we wait

After four grueling months, I finished 30% of my graduation project. Hope it gets a good grade, so that would mean I could do the rest next semester. Right now, there's nothing left but waiting.

Sorry for the delay guys

I've been waiting for the end of my hiatus in the portrait-drawing business.. but it seems it will definitely have to wait another week, 'cause it's Finals Week and I am totally swamped with stuff to do.

But after May 11th, I'm back, baby!

Alone, so alone

Gosh, I feel lonely. I wish some of my friends would call me. But very few do. Of course, I could call them (in fact, I have) but that's not the point, right? It seems as though it is always my obligation to call people, to visit them, to organize get-togethers. Don't they feel the need to see me too?? Guess not.

I don't gripe anymore

I have decided to stop moping around people. Not because I don't feel the need to, but because I have just exhausted everyone who has been foolish enough to listen to my pathos-soaked ramblings.

I don't blame them. If I had a friend that just talked about his dead fiance over and over, I would be running from him like if he had SARS. It's boring, and it's taxing. You can only take so much.

Even Ivy's parents seem to wish they weren't reminded of her all the time. I have to move on, I guess. But I don't really want to. It's been five months and I still want to look at the pictures and read her mails and her cards. I don't want to forget! It seems like a way to kill her all over again. It's just not fair.

I wonder

I wonder what would Ivy be doing if it had been the other way around? What would she be doing if I had died? Would she be moping for me still? Would she be looking for somebody else already? I don't think so. Who knows.

Being alive makes me angry

It's just not fair. Why not me? Why? If one of us had to die, it should've been me. She was a very sweet, loving girl. She didn't deserve to die amidst so much pain. She should be here. She earned it, dammit. She did everything her frigging doctors told her to do. She dieted, she exercised. It was no use: she died anyway.

And in the meantime, I live. I, who seldom exercises, who never skips a meal... I, who never does anything right... I am still here. It's just stupid. It makes no sense.

The worse thing about it is having to move on. I don't want to!! Not only do I refuse to go forward, but I want to go backward! I want go back to a time when I could hold my pretty girl in my arms once more. I want got back so I could hear her tell me that she loved me... nobody will ever love me like she did.

"It hurts, it hurts!!"

I remember when she was struggling near the end, with horrible stomach cramps. Why couldn't it be a little less painful why? Why? It was almost as if she was being punished or something. Why? Whatever did she do to deserve this??