Everybody needs one

I have a few special friends. When I say 'special', I mean to say that they're like no other people I know. Really.

Take Louie, for instance. He has the mind of a child. Think Forrest Gump. He is a 30 year old man with the mind of a 14 year old. While most men are accused of being exactly like that, Louie REALLY IS that way. He is truly fascinated by decals, buttons and all sorts of toys. He loves cartoons and trucks. He is totally impulsive and wild, always full of energy and joy.

He is not wise, nor vane. He doesn't know what double entendres are. But that guy loves people fully. He is so quirky, he always cheers me up even when I'm totally down. He lights up my darkest days.

I love that wacky guy. I dunno what I'd do without him.

Could I get a hug?

Have I told you about this?

I've been reduced to ask people to hug me and hold me for a few minutes.
I feel so, so pathetic.

Six months

It's been six months since Ivy went away.
I still haven't forgotten you, my sweet.

Don't do it

Have you ever sneezed into a fan?
Bad idea. Unless you love your face covered in a yucky mist.

Could I possibly had gotten it wrong?

I kissed a girl for the first time at 23. I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 24.

Talk about lame, right? I can trace it all back when my friends starting going out with chicks at 14. We started going out to parties. But while everybody managed to get women to dance with them, and managed to get phone numbers galore, I always came up with zilch.

It feels as if I went to the same party over and over.

When I arrived, I'd ask a few girls if they wanted to dance. Some actually did. But then, I wouldn't know what to say to them. When I did manage to muster up the courage to say something, the music would drown it out. So it was just me and her, standing in the dance floor, dancing and not talking. So awkward. Then the song would end and each would go our own separate ways.

But as boring and frustrating as that was, it was less pathetic and soul-deadening than just sitting at a table all by myself, staring at a glass of Coke and pretending not to be the most miserable guy there. It was just so depressing. I would sit there and supposedly scan the dancefloor for girls to dance with. Actually I was looking for girls who wouldn't turn me down so harshly. Because they did. Hundreds of times.

I guess that's when my self-confidence got crushed to a pulp. Oh, and the self-loathing? It began about there too.

Looking back, it doesn't make sense. If I was so miserable, why didn't I just stop going to parties? Maybe 'cause I sensed that staying at home all the time was gonna be even worse.

My friends look back fondly on those times. But to me, it was akin to having my skin pulled from my body with tweezers.

Say it with music

Isn't it funny how you sometimes stumble upon a song that says EXACTLY how you feel?
And it usually is the song you least expect. Like some 80's power ballad:

-------------
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when Im older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

(I Want To Know What Love Is, Foreigner)
------------

It's like they're talking about me! Only they're not. But it feels as if they were.

I wonder, I wonder...

I wonder, I wonder... was Ivy the only girl for me? Or is there somebody else out there? If so, where is she right now? Do I know her already? Do I still have to meet her? What does she look like? How old is she? Will she meet my silly profile? Or will she be totally opposite? How long will I have to wait till we become an item? Will it be a whirlwind romance? Will it be step-by-step?

I wonder, I wonder... will I ever get married? Will I ever manage to convince another woman that I'm right for her? That joining her life with mine will be for the best?

I wonder, I wonder... will I ever be a dad? If so, how long till I hold my first newborn in my arms? Will I be a good dad?

So many questions... nothing to do but wait for the answers to come on their own.

Up against the clock

I remember when Ivy would say that she was an old woman... at 26. I used to laugh out loud. I told her that as long as she got married before she was 29, everything would be OK.

Now I'm about to turn 30 and I suddenly feel... anxious. I feel old. I feel that my life is almost over, and that I have wasted it fully. It feels like it's too late to do anything. Too late to graduate, to late to get a good job, too late to learn German, to start snowboarding, etc.

But the thing is, whenever I tell people how I feel, they come back with something like 'you got your whole life ahead of you', and 'you're still young'. Maybe I asking my 83-year-old granny is not a good idea.

I just thought of this

My dad died at 65. I am almost 30 now. If I can expect to have about the same lifespan, that means I have reached the middle of my life! So then this is nothing more than a mid-life crisis!! Aw, that makes so much sense. I feel a lot better now.

Got the blues

I am at a point where nothing feels right. I am in the most ego-centric state ever. Right now, all I can see is a wall in front of me. Ok, that's a bad metaphor, since I DO have a wall in front of me as I type this. But you get my drift.

I know I should move forward. I know it. But still...

Take my birthday, for instance. In November, I'm turning 30. The big 3-0. That's a big deal, right??

I used to get excited about it. Nowdays it's just depressing.

See, I am reaching an age where most people have a degree, a wife, and a big-ass job with a promising future.

What do I have? None of the above.

You know my girl troubles. We can skip that for now.

I am STILL striving to get my degree. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to dump so much time and money into it. I guess I only do it because it would be foolish to drop it when I'm so freaking close. Plus, it would make my family really happy if I had a diploma. But this whole thing is making me feel really down. You see, even if I graduated RIGHT NOW, this very instant, I am SIX years overdue. Every single one of my peers has graduated.

Now you can say that it doesn't matter, that it isn't a horserace. But let's be honest. Which one would you hire: a designer who finished his career in 5 years, or one who finished his in 11??

Let's forget about that for a minute. Let's see where I am right now. I hold two jobs, none of which pay enough, and none of them are really stimulating . At least I'm working as a designer. But where is that taking me? None of my jobs has any chance for improvement. No raises, nothing. As long as I'm working there, I will remain earning and doing the same. Some call that stability and security. I call that utter boredom and creative death.

Now, we wait

After four grueling months, I finished 30% of my graduation project. Hope it gets a good grade, so that would mean I could do the rest next semester. Right now, there's nothing left but waiting.

Sorry for the delay guys

I've been waiting for the end of my hiatus in the portrait-drawing business.. but it seems it will definitely have to wait another week, 'cause it's Finals Week and I am totally swamped with stuff to do.

But after May 11th, I'm back, baby!

Alone, so alone

Gosh, I feel lonely. I wish some of my friends would call me. But very few do. Of course, I could call them (in fact, I have) but that's not the point, right? It seems as though it is always my obligation to call people, to visit them, to organize get-togethers. Don't they feel the need to see me too?? Guess not.

I don't gripe anymore

I have decided to stop moping around people. Not because I don't feel the need to, but because I have just exhausted everyone who has been foolish enough to listen to my pathos-soaked ramblings.

I don't blame them. If I had a friend that just talked about his dead fiance over and over, I would be running from him like if he had SARS. It's boring, and it's taxing. You can only take so much.

Even Ivy's parents seem to wish they weren't reminded of her all the time. I have to move on, I guess. But I don't really want to. It's been five months and I still want to look at the pictures and read her mails and her cards. I don't want to forget! It seems like a way to kill her all over again. It's just not fair.

I wonder

I wonder what would Ivy be doing if it had been the other way around? What would she be doing if I had died? Would she be moping for me still? Would she be looking for somebody else already? I don't think so. Who knows.

Being alive makes me angry

It's just not fair. Why not me? Why? If one of us had to die, it should've been me. She was a very sweet, loving girl. She didn't deserve to die amidst so much pain. She should be here. She earned it, dammit. She did everything her frigging doctors told her to do. She dieted, she exercised. It was no use: she died anyway.

And in the meantime, I live. I, who seldom exercises, who never skips a meal... I, who never does anything right... I am still here. It's just stupid. It makes no sense.

The worse thing about it is having to move on. I don't want to!! Not only do I refuse to go forward, but I want to go backward! I want go back to a time when I could hold my pretty girl in my arms once more. I want got back so I could hear her tell me that she loved me... nobody will ever love me like she did.

"It hurts, it hurts!!"

I remember when she was struggling near the end, with horrible stomach cramps. Why couldn't it be a little less painful why? Why? It was almost as if she was being punished or something. Why? Whatever did she do to deserve this??

The future Mrs. Kz

I keep thinking about it all the time. How will I meet my future wife? Is she gonna be my next girlfriend? Or the one after that? And will she fill the profile?

Oh, 'cause I got a profile. Any girl who's willing to take Ivy's position as Official LoveMate better be ready to meet very high standards:

*20-24 years old
*1.58-1.63 cms tall.
*slender
*beautiful (but not too beautiful)
*Catholic
*middle class or higher
*college education
*appearance-conscious
*hygenically inclined
*must love kids
*must live no more than 10 miles from my place
*single

Seems shallow, I know. But I have my reasons. Allow me to explain:

*20-24 years old: After a certain age, women are more likely to notice they can live perfectly fine without me. But if you get them young enough, you can fool them into thinking you're essencial for their survival.
*1.58-1.63 cms tall: Women of scant stature can be very lovely, but I've noticed I never seem to think of them as grown-up women. They seem like little girls, which it feels kind of pedophilic. On the other hand, girls who are taller than me always seem to be older, which feels kind of Aedipus-ish.
*slender: I have always loved athletic women. They look so... good...
*beautiful (but not too beautiful): Do I need to explain this one??
*Catholic: Life is tough enough without having to decide what church to go to.
*middle class or higher: Interclass marriage is something you do at your own risk. Seen enough cases to know that I should avoid it at all costs.
*college education: I want a mental peer. Somebody who will get my jokes without having to explain every single one. In a word: cultured.
*appearance-conscious: Nobody likes a total slob.
*must love kids: This is my theory: any woman who's willing to stand a 3-year-old child will have enough patience to stand being with me.
*must live no more than 10 miles from my place: I don't want to have to spend half a gas tank just to go see her.
*single: I am just not looking forward to marrying a girl with kids and some wacko ex-husband running around.

Seem like impossibly-high standards?
Not to me. I mean, Ivy fit the profile like a glove.

This doesn't mean I want another Ivy. That's impossible. She was totally unique and no one will ever be like she was. I just want a girl who has the highest amount of the same good traits that Ivy had.

And in my book, that's not too much to ask.

Changes, changes...

One of the big changes I plan to make is to quit my job at Lexcorp for good. After five years, I'm ready. I want to have a lot of free time, improve myself a bit. I want to become an illustrator for real. I want to work out at the gym. Heck, I'm a bachelor and I don't have any kids. I can afford a few months of unemployment. It wouldn't be total unemployment, either. I want to keep working at Culture Publishing House. It'll help pay the bills.

I'm totally pumped about this. Quitting sounds so good.

What's on my mind

I decided to postpone the monthly visit to Ivy's grave so I could work on my portfolio. I'll go next week. I have considered stopping my visits, but no. I think a promise is a promise. I mean, she withstood my 'marvelous' company for five long years, she deserves at least this.

Looking back

God, it seems like it was ages ago, the last time I held Ivy in my arms. And it's only been five months! I try to keep her out of my mind as long as possible, 'cause any thought in that direction will halt my life to a complete stop. But it was beautiful. It really was. Never did I have to worry about her doing stuff behind my back. And she trusted me so completely, it almost scared me. And we were gonna have so many beautiful things: a life together, kids... everything is gone now.

Looking ahead

I want to believe that there is something further down the road for me. I want to believe that I am not totally repulsive or useless. But I recognize that I will have to work out and make heavy lifestyle changes, soon. I have to see a doctor, get some exercise. Maybe see a therapist. Get my friggin' degree. I have to be the best man I can be. Otherwise, I will not get the kind of mate that I long for.

Not looking at all

But, then again, there are moments when you shouldn't look in any direction at all. Just savor the moment as you live it.

Five years ago

A little more than five years ago, I was at the gym and got onto one of those walking machines. There was a girl on the next machine and I said hi to her, but didn't answer. I thought she was the rudest girl ever and got real mad. But when I was about to leave, I saw her again at the stationary bicycle. Our eyes met, and instinctively, I smiled. She smiled back and waved. I thought maybe maybe she wasn't so rude after all.

The next day, I went ahead and talked to her and we became great friends. We would schedule our workouts so we would do them together. She would call me her 'gym buddy' and we had really cool conversations. Eventually I got some nerved and asked for her number. Then we started to talk even more.

Our first date was difficult to come by. We were supposed to go to the movies one Saturday, but when I called she had left on a family trip. When I confronted her, she admitted forgetting about our date and was totally mortified. We rescheduled, but she forgot again and left on another family trip. I decided to give her a last chance. We went to the movies and had a great time. She even let me hold her hand. I tried to sneak a kiss out of her, but she wouldn't do it. She didn't push me away. Instead, she held my head very tight, like saying, "Please, let's do this right... let's be boyfriend and girlfriend first."

The next day I went on a week-long trip with some buddies. Two days into the trip, I realized that I really REALLY liked this girl. And I got really sad and wanted to go back right then and there, but we were 1000 miles away, so I had to wait till the trip was over. The first thing I did after I came back was go see her. I didn't even see my family till a couple of hours later, even though we lived in the same house.

That was on a Tuesday. That very Saturday, we went out and I (grudgingly) asked her to be my girlfriend. I didn't really want to ask, because I wasn't into formalities. But she totally was into them, so I had no choice. :)

Immediately afterwards we had our very first kiss. It was a quick one, but it was really nice. And that's how it all started.

That was exactly five years ago this day.

My sweet, sweet Ivy, I will never forget you.

Illustration workshop

When I heard a friend of mine was going to an illustration workshop, I totally tagged along. First of all, it was free. Second, it was over at Moneybags University, which has some of the most gorgeous girls in Kzanderland. Third, it gave me the opportunity to hang out with him after not seeing him for a month and a half (dunno the exact amount, but that sounds about right).

The workshop was nice. It was given by a lady who happens to be a big shot Art Director at Oxford University. But she was a very gentle woman, not filled with dellusions of gradeur, as I would be in her place.

I don't think I learned that much new techniques, but I got to see some really rad children's books, which I really love cause they always have the best illustrations. Plus, I got to draw, which relaxed me a bit.

I will post the drawings I made at the workshop as soon as I can. I made them in about 20 minutes, so set your expectations accordingly.

This is promises to be a craptabulous day

My sister gets her second dose of chemo today and she has to stay at the hospital for three days (again). Plus, I have to go meet a guy who's gonna help me send some polls that'll help me with my investigation. And I have to go to school.

Did I mention I didn't sleep very well? No? Sorry, I must've forgot. You see, I haven't been sleeping well.

It's almost that time of year...

This Friday, the 21st, Ivy and I were to be married, on our 5th anniversary.

I know. I can almost feel depression sweeping in.

About an hour ago, I called my mother-in-law and had a good cry.
This is just... so... hard.

(snif) I need a hug. Or two. Big ones.